THE CHOICE review

I honestly thought this was a different movie. I remembered a movie where Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin fall in love or something and looked half decent. Whoopsie! The movie I was about to see was another Nicholas Sparks adaptation. Can’t go a year without one of these, can we? Oh well, as much as I would rather have seen… ANYTHING else, this would have to do as I had plans for other movies coming out. This is my honest opinion of THE CHOICE.

(SUMMARY)

The story follows Travis (Benjamin Walker) and Gabby (Teresa Palmer). Travis is a local southern boy who is smooth with the ladies. A good guy with that bad boy edge. Gabby is his recent neighbor and a medical student with a man that she loves. However, when they first meet, they can’t stand each other. However, as time goes on and they spend more time with each other, a spark ignites between the two and a passionate affair takes place.

(REVIEW)

… … … HAAAA!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Oh dear God in Heaven, this was the most hilarious time I’ve ever had with a chick flick. Oh, not because the movie’s a comedy with intelligent dialog and well-thought-out humor, no no no, quite the contrary. This movie is a phoned-in, dumb-as-hell, marinated-in-ovaries romance-drama. I’m not kidding, if you’ve seen a Hallmark Channel movie in your life, you’ve seen this movie in spades.

If I really wanted to be cynical, my first problems with this movie arose with the trailers playing before it. Not even kidding, there must have been at least three trailers with strong religious overtones playing and I was beginning to wonder if that was an “accident.”

Anyway, the first problem that I had with the movie is how unintentionally hilarious it is. We learn in flashback that Travis is a ladies man, flirting with hot and shallow women in their bikinis… when all of a sudden, the on-again-off-again hottie comes along. Oh yeah, big boobs, midriff, long smooth legs, pretty much making Alexandra Daddario as hot as possible. Seriously, she looks like something out of a trashy country music video. And as soon as she comes in, Travis completely ignores the two other women and focuses all attention on her. Classy guy.

But the real kicker is when Travis and Gabby first meet. He’s blaring his music really freakin’ loud, and she goes out to complain to him. Okay first of all, the moment she starts unrealistically yelling at him over it, you can automatically call this trope: couple who starts off hating each other will eventually hook up at the end. Yeah, it’s not a shock and we’ve barely hit ten minutes into this estrogen-fest.

Get this, so Gabby’s boyfriend Ryan, played by Tom Welling, is going out of town for business. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen. Oh please, everyone can see what’s going to happen. Fuck yeah, bitches, a hot and steamy affair. The hilarious thing about this is that it kind of happens out of nowhere. They start with hating each other and there is absolutely no progression into their attraction. They just sort of… get attracted to each other.

Even the movie seems to know how implausible their own relationship is. I mean, when Ryan comes back, that whole scene happens where the guy sees his girl with her boyfriend that she’s been cheating on and he storms out, they have their fight, you know, that cliche cup of dick. She even says, “we knew this was going to happen” and “we never addressed what this was.” Um… well first of all, we the human race call it “an affair,” sweetie. You cheated on your boyfriend. And… why WASN’T this ever addressed between the two of you?

You know why this story tickles me so much? These are grown ass adults, but they act closer to teenagers. Like, really stupid stereotypical teenagers. I could see this playing out in a high school setting, but between two adults LIKE THIS??? Who in their right mind just neglects the inevitable like that? It’s amazing! It’s like standing on a train track, you see the train right in front of you, a mile away, and you’re just casually strolling along, pretending it’s not there. BIG surprise when it gets to you and you’re ran over like a brain-dead squirrel!

I’m sorry, but HATEFUL EIGHT came out last month, that movie didn’t need a twelve minute intermission. THIS was the movie that needed it. I wish I could have had a twelve minute grace period to catch my breath and fill my emptied lungs from laughter. Why not, I could have also appreciated a minute to go to the bar and full arm myself for the second half of this movie that I knew wouldn’t be done serving me this cliche-mignon.

We have characters who are claiming they’re going to get married just moments after meeting them for the first time, people reacting in the most cartoonish of ways that would otherwise have gotten the police involved, it’s a glorious, delicious, and pointless meal of sappiness and awkwardness. I almost recommend it if you’re a cynic like me. It’s a barrel of fun.

My honest rating: 2/5 for its existence, 4/5 for its entertainment value

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