THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY review

Oh dear god was I not looking forward to this movie. Alright, so let’s get this out of the way, as I’ve had a little too many people curse me out and tell me I’m scum: I AM NOT A SACHA BARON COHEN FAN!!! I have only seen so much of BORAT, BRÜNO, and THE DICTATOR before having to switch away out of lack of funny. So no, I’ve never seen any of these movies all the way through. I’ve seen enough.

I will say, however, his supporting roles have been good. MADAGASCAR, for example. He was King Julien. Who doesn’t love King Julien? Or SWEENY TODD. He was great in these movies, and he’s not the star. That’s about the only capacity that I can tolerate him. If he’s the star, nope… just nope. Running away from that shit like a gamer told to play SUPERMAN 64. Not happening.

Except it did happen, and I have no excuse other than… I need an opinion for it when I go to work and guests ask me what I think of it. So this will be the first Cohen movie that I will have sat all the way through for. This is my honest opinion of THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY.

(SUMMARY)

The story follows Nobby (Sacha Baron Cohen), who is an Englishman from the small town of Grimsby. He has a wife, several children, and spends most of his days drinking beer with the townsfolk and watching soccer. Despite his poor status, he’s a happy camper… except he thinks about his baby brother Sebastian everyday. When he was a kid, Nobby and Sebastian’s parents died and they ended up separated. While Nobby grew up as he did, Sebastian on the other hand became MI6’s top agent. Well, an assignment of his takes Sebastian back to Grimsby: prevent an assassination of an important person. However, Nobby gets word that Sebastian will be at this important event and finds him… messing up Sebastian’s attempt to do his job, accidentally kills the person he was supposed to protect, and now MI6 thinks that Sebastian has gone rogue. Barely able to tolerate Nobby’s interference, the two embark on a journey of survival and the attempt to clear Sebastian’s name.

(REVIEW)

Dear JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS… I am so sorry… I labeled you as my #1 worst movie of 2015. You were definitely a rotten movie, but… by comparison to the violation I suffered through, the unrelenting mind rape that I was forced to endure for an hour and twenty-three minutes… you might as well have been CITIZEN KANE. Yup, this is it folks. I am officially declaring THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY the absolute WORST movie I have personally ever seen.

I don’t even really want to talk about it because it’s so painful to think about, but no reviewer or critic worth their mettle would ever just spout “IT SUCKS!!!” without going into why. I don’t intend this to be a very long review, so I will just describe one scene and you can decide for yourself if this movie is for you or not and figure out my absolute loathing of this… piece of shit masquerading as a movie.

Nobby and Sebastian are on the run from assassins and find themselves in a savanna with a herd of elephants. With little time to think, Nobby tells Sebastian to trust him. The assassins arrive, but only see the elephants and decide to search for the brothers elsewhere. Turns out, the brothers were hiding in an elephant’s vagina. This is about as graphic as it sounds. (If you stop reading here, you’ve come far enough and are a valiant soldier.) In an attempt to see if the coast is clear, Nobby wiggles toward the exit and pokes his head out. He says the assassins are indeed gone, but as if on cue, the female elephant has caught the eye of a male elephant with an erect penis, making a beeline for it. Unable to leave in time, Nobby goes back to Sebastian and the male begins to fuck the female, its penis repeatedly striking Sebastian in the face. In order for this to end quicker, Nobby suggests that Sebastian stroke the elephant’s penis as Nobby works the testicles. The male elephant soon jizzes all over Sebastian. The male leaves the female and the brothers try to leave. However, another male elephant enters the picture and the same thing happens. Then it’s revealed elephants are standing in line to fuck this one female and one of the elephants ends up fucking Nobby’s ass, all the while drenched in elephant semen.

If you managed to read all of that, I salute you. While that may be the worst offending scene in the entire movie, don’t think for a minute that the rest of the humor is that much better. It’s chalk full of wide-angle lens shots of human testicles in another man’s mouth, being sucked, the thumbs up of giving children loaded guns and vaping… it’s a colossal contamination of the brain that I can’t believe I sat all the way through of. I have never walked out of a movie before. I didn’t do it here, but guys… I really wanted to. I really fucking wanted to. I didn’t spend money on this (thank God almighty), but I still wanted my money back. I wanted my hour and twenty-three minutes back. The day this movie leaves the cinema, I swear, I’m going to celebrate with cake and presents and declaring it a personal holiday.

My honest rating: 0/5

That’s right, a ZERO out of 5. I don’t give those out. That’s not on my 1 to 5 out of 5 scale. That’s how bad this fucking thing is.

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