THE DIVERGENT SERIES: ALLEGIANT review

Oh my god, ugh….

Once more, something that I will say every time, I HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS. I’m sure there’s a tween out there who’s ready to tell me, “the books are so much better!” My response: “I don’t care, I really don’t.” No matter what story you make, whether original or adapted from a previously published format, it should always be interesting and have a sensible plot, and the Divergent series isn’t that.

DIVERGENT was okay, but it’s clearly just a HUNGER GAMES rip-off. But anything with Ashley Judd and Kate Winslet is always classed up a bit, so I tolerated it. INSURGENT was just bad. So bad that I remember very little of it and that even the casting of Winslet and Naomi Watts didn’t help at all. I ask you, how do you have a movie with Winslet and Watts and not help the movie?! Well, these movies found a way.

Now that the third installment, ALLEGIANT is officially released, I groaned at what I saw in that trailer. Jeff Daniels? What kind of sick monsters are these filmmakers to be dragging a wonderful actor like him into their movie? Poor Daniels, you deserve better than this. But I was hoping that he would somehow save it. I had no expectations that he would, considering how INSURGENT ended up. But hey, I sure was hoping. So how does this installment measure up to the rest? Find out as I tell you my honest opinion of THE DIVERGENT SERIES: ALLEGIANT.

(SUMMARY)

The truth is out. There is a group of other survivors outside of Chicago that are inviting the inhabitants to seek them out. Jeanine is dead and the factions have been disbanded. To the victor go the spoils, but the victors are hungry for revenge against anyone that sided with Jeanine via a half-assed “trial” leading to execution in front of thunderously cheering crowds. Their leader Evelyn (Naomi Watts), who is also the mother of Four (Theo James), doesn’t have any problems with the way things have turned out. That is an opinion that is shared by neither Tris (Shailene Woodley) nor Four. Tris desperately wants to know who these survivors are, but Evelyn has closed off anyone from leaving in fear of these new survivors’ intentions. Hatching a plan to escape and bringing their friends along, they traverse the harsh outside world and eventually encounter the survivors, and Tris meets their overjoyed leader, David (Jeff Daniels). While it looks like Tris, Four, and the others are safe in this place hidden away from their enemies, as their time extends with these people, more and more do these survivors become more shady and even dangerous as Four tries to unravel the truth, while Tris seems more and more trusting of David.

(REVIEW)

… … … BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh my god, this was fantastic. This was… a cinematic marvel. You’re waiting for the punchline, so here it is: it’s so bad, it’s kind of incredible. If you’ve heard this movie being the worst of the franchise, it is, but it’s so awful that I was having a ball watching it.

The opening scene is this: Tris and Four climb a building that is probably fifty stories tall. They look out into the horizon and make out, talking about what might be beyond the wall. Yes, they climb the side of a giant building just to daydream. Starting this movie on a high note, aren’t we, folks? … Pun not originally intended, but I’m going to say it was to make myself seem smarter.

Then we’re taken to the surface where one of the most horribly directed scenes could have possibly existed. One of the traitors about to “stand trial” is being dragged out before the crowd. This bad-ass is smirking all the way to the center of the mob, and as he’s being questioned if he feels remorse, he smugly says, “nope. Y’all are sheep.” Then he’s sentenced to die and… wait a tick… is this traitor whimpering? “I don’t want to die!” Did… did you just beg for your life? Mother fucker, a few seconds ago you were proud to stand in front of everyone because of your actions. I doubt you needed that truth serum to admit how happy you were to kill people, so where the hell did this puss-out come from? Gun gets pointed at his head, BAM! But… no blood, no exit wound… odd, considering that later on in the movie people clearly get shot and bleed profusely.

Another scene, they’re executing their plan to scale the wall. They do this by firing a grappling hook attached to their belts. They ascend and… vertically run in slow-mo. Yes, it looks as silly as it sounds. Now, here’s where it gets ungodly hilarious. The bad guys show up WITH GUNS. Bare in mind, Tris and the gang are more open than the broad side of a barn, and what do these bad guys do? They fire when they’re way too far away and even when they’re close enough, their accuracy is stormtrooper bad. You know what? I take that back. In the opening raid in EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE, the stormtroopers actually kill people. You’re hearing me right, THE BAD GUYS IN THIS MOVIE MAKE STORMTROOPERS LOOK LIKE EXPERT MARKSMEN!!! Oh, but the leader of these bad guys, Edgar, played by Jonny Weston, manages to kill Tori, played by Maggie Q. Oh no! Not Tori! Not the woman who…. who, um…. wait, what did Tori do in these movies?

See what the main problem of the movie is? It’s hilarious how badly written it is, and like the rest of the films, there’s no emotional connection made with these characters. So when one is killed off, rather sporadically, no one gives a shit.

On top of that, the technology is silly as hell and the interactions with them make you question if the writers or director have even heard of physics.

So let me take you on a wondrous journey through the world that this series has brought us. Welcome to, Divergentland!

Here’s our first world: Technology-n-physics. Try an experiment. Sit down on air. I see you looking for a chair. I said AIR. Don’t go near that wall, that’s cheating. Sit down on air. You’re not gonna do it? Why? Because you’re just going to fall down? Well then book a ticket to this film’s universe because you can sit on air! What the hell am I talking about? When Tris and the gang meet the survivors, they have to carry them to their home base via… leather bubbles… and the actors are sitting on… nothing. They aren’t standing, they’re sitting, in these leather-looking bubbles, and they’re asses aren’t touching anything. What is this? OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL? In that universe, it makes sense. It’s a fantasy-driven world fueled by magic. You can get away with that shit (plus, they were standing in the bubbles). This is a sci-fi. Different rules, bitches. DIVERGENTLAND!!!

They also have these… memory sensor things that attach to a persons head and they can relive the memories of the person they belonged to. Tris tries these out that belonged to her mother (yeah, there’s a connection that Tris’ mother has with these people) and… in these memories, she’s freely running around and kinda sorta interacting with her environment. Yet in the real world, she’s stationary, but still looking around. I’m a stickler for good sci-fi and gadgetry. So when I see something like this, there’s a great deal of potential creativity that can go into it and not lose focus of the story, yet this movie needs everything to have hammered in drama that the audience, once again, gives no shit about. DIVERGENTLAND!!!

Uh oh, grab an umbrella kids, because the weather is about to get cray cray. The post-apocalyptic wasteland beyond the walls of Chicago looks like Mars if Tim Burton was at the creative helm and if he was reduced to a indie movie’s budget, but to make matters even weirder it rains… blood. Yeah, it just rains blood. There is no explanation for this. It’s not even questioned by the characters. Come on, people, don’t act like you haven’t encountered bloody rain before. It’s perfectly natural…. only in DIVERGENTLAND!!!

This is where I must end our little tour. Like Willy Wonka, I bow and leave you to explore this world of silly and senselessness.

To be honest, I kind of recommend it. It takes itself so seriously, and yet, there’s nothing serious about it. Everything is just off. Logic doesn’t just take a back seat, it’s locked in the trunk with a ball-gag in its mouth. Poor logic… it just wants to come out and improve this world that we’re supposed to be invested in. Because of this lack of sensibility, the results are amusing and entertaining, making this my favorite of the franchise.

My honest rating: 2/5 as a whole. 5/5 for entertainment value.

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