THUMBS DOWN – 2016’s Worst Films

Howdy, y’all! There have been plenty of bad films this year, but this is my list of the absolute worst of the worst. Now please bear in mind that this is all opinion-based, as my blog name would suggest, so if you liked some of these films, or thought others deserved a spot, we are all entitled to our opinions. Now it’s time to voice mine some more. Get ready to cringe and hold your wounded souls, this is my list of the ten worst films of 2016.

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

#10 – GHOSTBUSTERS (2016)

ghostbusters_ver11

A little pointless putting the (2016) up there because everyone knows which iteration I mean; the reboot. I remember so many horror stories about this movie before it was even released. “It’s genius!” “It’s awful!” “You think it’s funny?! Fuck you!” “You think it sucks?! Go suck horse dick!” And I remember Cinemassacre’s James Rolfe a.k.a. Angry Video Game Nerd went online and stated very somberly that he had no interest in seeing the new film… and was verbally slaughtered by idiot trolls that labeled him a sexist pig and misogynist and all that shit. But… no, the movie sucks! I don’t have anything against the cast, or the filmmakers behind it, but if your jokes are just something you fished for to churn out a laugh, you’re going to get backlash like the film ultimately did. You don’t need to remake the original, but you do need to understand good comedy… and what’s bizarre is that the writing team behind the movie usually does. I can’t tell who’s at fault here, but someone on this project is to blame. Maybe one or two visual gags worked, and maybe I do give slight credit to the cast for being… not horrible, but bad jokes in a comedy don’t broadcast good performances sadly. I put this low on the list because the cast and crew of this film have done better films in the past and I will continue to watch their work in the future. But… what a bizarre movie to get your blackest stain.

#9 – CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE

mv5bmja2nzeznjiwnl5bml5banbnxkftztgwnzgwmteznze-_v1_uy1200_cr9006301200_al_

I know I’m in the minority on this, but… Christ, I have my standards of good comedy and CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE is painfully awful. Never mind that it’s simply not funny, but it has this pointless message of “bullying is bad” stapled to it when none of the film supports this message. Kevin Hart is just his same old character he’s played since RIDE ALONG and now Dwayne Johnson pulls out the most annoying performance of his career… er, that I’ve seen. I haven’t seen TOOTH FAIRY. It’s low on this list primarily because I have forgotten most of it. While I still curl my hand into a fist when I think about it, it’s still somewhat forgetful. But overall… I hated this movie.

#8 – COLLATERAL BEAUTY

collateral-beauty_poster

Oh man, this one hurt like a bitch. This is so fucking deceptive. So many people, including myself, saw this trailer and thought it’d be good. Will Smith? He so rarely does a bad film. Well… the reviews are in and the critics, as well as myself, have spoken… this is a piece of shit. Taking serious subject matter of losing a child and grieving by writing therapeutic letters to time, love, and death… only to make this character feel even more crazy by having his closest friends hire actors to play out the roles of time, death, and love? Are you fucking kidding me?! This movie is beyond mean-spirited and it doesn’t even know it. It’s awfully written, horribly misrepresented, and all these great actors attached make this one of the worst of the year and they all said yes to this. Once again, I put it lower on the list because it’s still kind of well-acted, but it doesn’t save it.

#7 – BOO! A MADEA HALLOWEEN

tyler-perrys-boo-a-madea-hallowee-poster

That poster is more representative than you might think. I knew from the get-go that I wouldn’t like this movie, but I’m a masochist, so I went and saw it anyway. And so many people are fans of Tyler Perry’s Madea character, I guess I was just hoping for something that had… passable humor. But nope! That would have made for a good movie. Instead, we get Perry running around in this god-awful costume, with this ear-bleedingly annoying voice, and jokes that are 100 percent misses. I think I remember falling asleep once, and that’s rare. Fuck this movie and fuck this character. No more!

#6 – FIFTY SHADES OF BLACK

mv5bmtq3mtg3mzy4ov5bml5banbnxkftztgwnti4mzm1nze-_v1_uy1200_cr9006301200_al_

If you thought I had something against Tyler Perry, I have even more problems with this. You could argue that at least Madea isn’t inappropriate, just annoying. Take the humor that makes Madea unfunny, and now throw in dick shots, and bodily waste humor with parody jokes on par with DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS. It’s gross and horrid and I hope to God parody dies with it.

#5 – DIRTY GRANDPA

fin04_dirtygrandpa_cigar_25x38

What is with this fascination of making movies about horny old men getting laid by hot and slutty young women?! But never mind that cow shit, the fact that this is a story about a horny old man takes off right after his wife of x-amount of decades dies. Dick jokes, fart jokes, horrible acting, and awful characters, there’s virtually nothing redeemable.

#4 – NORM OF THE NORTH

norm_of_the_north_ver5

Everyone knew this wouldn’t be a good animated kids movie. Everybody. The animation looked cheap, Rob Schneider voicing the titular character, and the jokes were so bad, even crickets don’t want to put the effort in to chirping. But no one would ever know how truly bad this stinker would really get. The story makes no sense, there’s such prolonged and repeated immature humor as if this humor was the golden standard of comedy, when even kids were coming out of the film hoping no sequels will get made. That fucking says everything you need to know. Even I at some point stopped watching to read The Martian. But that barely helped because I can still hear the fuckin’ movie playing and I followed everything. Still waiting for an apology for this shitty 16-bit movie.

#3 – AMERICAN HONEY

americanhoney_arnold_800

I should be used to having a differing opinion than the masses by now but… I honestly hated this movie even before going in. Critics were going nuts for it, like it’s the film that will define the current generation. I guess it kind of does, if you had to pick the most obnoxious elements of this generation. It brings me back to the time I was introduced to EASY RIDER, a film that featured nothing but rock and roll, campfire heart-to-heart talks about who the fuck knows what, and utter pointlessness. But this film is worse because it features not a single smart, enjoyable, or well-written character. To make matters worse, it’s a three hour movie. I was slowly dying inside… seriously, I don’t know what the critics saw in this, but I want what they were smoking to be so okay with this schlock.

This year, I have a tie for absolute worst I’ve seen this year. Before we get to them, here are some dishonorable mentions:

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

#1 WORST films – THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY and THE BRONZE

Let’s start with GRIMSBY. I will never understand the mass appeal with Sacha Baron Cohen as it stands. I have never liked his films, unless he was a supporting character, but all of his films are stupid and unfunny to me. But to make matters worse, this film is completely composed of everything in comedy that isn’t funny to me. I have never wanted to walk out of a theatre more than this piece of shit.

Now for THE BRONZE. Not too long before seeing this movie, I’d met someone who told me her story about how she used to live with incredibly abusive parents and how her father was the kind of guy who insulted, berated, belittled, and generally made a mess of any possible situation and blamed everyone else for his life being so shitty, even his daughter. That’s Melissa Rauch’s character: about the most unlikable character that you can possibly conceive, made to look like she’d be a character with a story arch, but end up not changing a single bit with far too many characters giving a blind eye to her antics for no fucking reason whatsoever.

Never mind that these films were the worst of the year, these two films are the worst I’ve ever seen PERIOD!!! I would rather watch JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS (2015) before ever TOUCHING these two flicks ever again. They made me sick and I can’t stand the thought that they even exist. Yeah, I hate these things that much. They were the most unpleasant experiences I’ve ever had in a cinema.

***

***

***

Well, everyone, that concludes THUMBS DOWN 2016, my pick of the worst films of the year. But stick around because THE PUYDAS 2016 is being worked on right now and will be sure to leave me with a much sunnier disposition.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s