RINGS review

Really now? No, seriously, really now?

Ugh, okay, so as everyone knows, I’m no fan of horror films. Both of the original films are pretty forgettable other than how recycled Samara is when compared to the Grudge ghost. Oh, and they star Naomi Watts. Oh, and stop motion ghosts are creepy. Aside from that… yeah, just a generic horror film. Look, for you die-hard horror lovers, in all fairness, it’s been years since I revisited the films  and I didn’t have the same taste in horror films as I do now. If I watched them again, maybe I’d feel differently. But as it stands, all I’m seeing here is desperation to make a quick buck off a franchise that’s been closed off for over ten years using an obvious gimmick of multiple cursed people, as opposed to one at a time. Can you sense my frown?

Well, lets a look at this new generation cast. Starring is Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz, known for a bunch of stuff I’ve never heard of. This name, however, does spark a little interest: Vincent D’Onofrio, known for THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (2016), JURASSIC WORLD (2015), and TV show DAREDEVIL. I wish I was more of a fan of this man than I really am. I’ve only started getting into his talent since JURASSIC WORLD. Of course, I loved him in FULL METAL JACKET (1987), but I can’t name another movie that I’ve seen him in. That’s a… pretty sad statement to make actually… Anywho, other talents include Johnny Galecki (CBGB [2013], HANCOCK [2008], and TV show THE BIG BANG THEORY) and Aimee Teegarden (SCREAM 4 [2011], and TV shows THE RANCH and FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS).

Now for the crew. Directing is F. Javier Gutiérrez, who isn’t known for much other than a couple of short films, and one feature-length film in Spanish that I’ve never heard of, so, moving on. Uh oh, red flag alert, this film has three writers: Jacob Estes, Akiva Goldsman, and David Loucka. Estes is a relatively inexperienced writer, but Loucka is known for THE HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET (2012), and Goldsman is known for THE 5TH WAVE (2016), I AM LEGEND (2007), and both Schumacher Batman films. Not only does more than two writers on a single movie make me nervous in itself, but that each writer isn’t known for writing good scripts in the past, or not a lot of good ones, I’m already pegging this movie to be awful. Composing the music is Matthew Margeson, known for EDDIE THE EAGLE (2016), KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE (2015), and KICK-ASS 2 (2013). He’s also the screenwriter for the upcoming sequel KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE (2017). Finally, the cinematographer is Sharone Meir, known for MR. CHURCH (2016), WHIPLASH (2014), and COACH CARTER (2005).

Overall, yeah, not excited for this in any way. The best part of this film is that one prank that I saw online about a TV store set being constructed and an actor guides unsuspecting scare-targets through the area, while a woman dressed as Samara comes out of one of the TVs to scare them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcuRPzB4RNc

Oh well. This is my honest opinion of: RINGS

(SUMMARY)

Julia (Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz) and Holt (Alex Roe) are two young people in love. Holt goes off to college, but soon doesn’t return her calls. She decides to investigate when she has a chilling conversation with someone on Skype and discovers an experiment being conducted. Turns out that the college professor Gabriel (Johnny Galecki) has discovered the infamous VHS tape that kills its viewer after seven days, turned it into a computer video file, and has been using it as grounds for discovering proof of the afterlife. But things quickly get out of hand as a student of his is killed by Samara, the inhabitant of the tape. Soon, Julia finds Holt alive and the two begin a journey to uncover the remaining mysteries of Samara’s past and hope to put her to rest and stop her killings.

(REVIEW)

I would rather have watched the prank video for ninety minutes. By god, was this bad.

First off, this movie had a little potential. In the final shots of the trailer, you see the ring video being played on all of the airplane movie screens, giving the impression that a large group of people would be given that seven day countdown. Okay, that hasn’t been done before in these movies. There’s potential there. But what does this movie do? It holds a big ole middle finger right up to your face! That whole sequence was the opening scene! No survivors! Who thought that the most promising aspect of this movie should be a throwaway tease?! Screw you too, movie!

I guess technically the story does do the whole “multiple people saw the video,” but again, this is completely wasted. We only follow three protagonists, one of them is constantly away from the other two. They can’t even bounce back from the wasted potential the first go-round!

Maybe all that could be forgiven. All that would be needed to make up for this problem is to follow interesting and well-written protagonists. Surly modern day horror films are known for such effort, right? PFFFFT!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Of course not! That would imply that real effort would have been put into it, as well as an understanding of good characters! I haven’t the slightest idea who out of the three writers had the reigns, but that person needs to get slapped. Our protagonists, Julia and Holt, are about as bland and boring as horror movies can make ’em. At no point do you really care whether or not these characters die because the movie doesn’t give you any reasons other than the camera is pointing at them.

To make matters worse, certain elements of the movie are total knock-offs of other horror movies. For you fans of the first two films, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure the way Naomi Watts’ character beats Samara wasn’t to “pass it on”; to show someone else the tape and you’re scott-free. Pretty sure that’s not how it worked. Well, RINGS decides to steal a page out of IT FOLLOWS (2014) and make that a thing. Yes, I am dead serious. In order to save your ass from the evil force, you have to “pass it on.” Ho…ly… shit.

***SPOILERS***

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Oh my god, and if that wasn’t enough, it also rips off DON’T BREATHE (2016) toward the end. Yes, our female protagonist is in the personal home of a big scary blind man whom she is trying to avoid by not breathing… Why aren’t the makers of this movie getting sued out of their asses?!

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***END SPOILERS***

If the movie isn’t blatantly knocking off something else directly, it’s showing off it’s cliché knock-offs from horror movies dating back to whenever they became a thing. Characters seeing things that aren’t there, ninja vehicles that only make sound when bad writing allows them to, there’s a laundry list of uninspired moments, including making Galecki a SMART COLLEGE PROFESSOR!!! Gee! I wonder where I’ve heard that shit before! Even Galecki doesn’t seem to care about being in this movie!

***SPOILERS***

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I swear, the only time I truly believed his line reads is when he was about to be axed off. His character is about to reveal big information, but got into a car accident and is in his truck, dying. This is the only believable moment out of him because you’d swear he was grateful that he wasn’t going to be in the movie much longer.

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***END SPOILERS***

The more I thought about this movie, the more it started to piss me off. It’d be one thing if it was just trying to do its own thing and fail. That could be understood. Wouldn’t make it good, but at least you’d know it was trying something different. But it rips off movies that are leagues better than it and it’s like the writers knew that and prayed that the audience wouldn’t know it. Well, I saw it and I hope my review made you all see the hilariously insulting shit this thing did. Do not see this movie. I don’t care if you’re a fan of the franchise or not, but do your wallet, and more importantly, yourself, a favor: AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COST!!! Save your money, save your gas, save your time, just… just no.

My honest rating for RINGS: 1/5

rings-2016-movie-poster

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