STAR WARS EPISODE VII: THE FORCE AWAKENS (transfer) SPOILERS review

These “transfer” reviews are from when I only did reviews on my Facebook page back in 2015. Bare in mind when reading these, I didn’t have the same formula in my review writing that I do now, and my usual “who starred and who directed” information is completely absent, so everything “italicized” is new. With that said, enjoy this review from 2015.

Yeah, there’s a lot of **** that I want to talk about regarding the major events that occur in this new movie, so if you haven’t seen it, then I shouldn’t have to say STOP READING!!! I WILL BE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT IN THE MOVIE!!!

But for those of you who have seen the film and want to compare and contrast feelings regarding the movie as a whole, sound off below when you’re ready, but without further adieu, let’s tackle this beast and nerdgasm everywhere.

***LAST WARNING!!! SPOILERS AHEAD***

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Now, if anyone’s read my review of AWAKENS, people know that I’m not a fan of Kylo Ren. Mostly because I think he’s a whiny bitch. It’s easy to see why many got caught up in his character. His design is very similar to Darth Vader, whom is a sci-fi villain icon that even non-Star Wars fans know. Add on an interesting design for a lightsaber and he becomes one of the most talked-about elements of the movie. But, like I said, he’s very underwhelming to me.

At first, his intro is brilliant and classic. Stepping off that shuttle with a couple guards behind him, it’s a Star Wars cliché that never gets old. Stopping a blaster bolt in mid-air, awesome! Executing someone: BASTARD!!! But as we learn more about him… man, he lost some of that bad-assery. Hovering over Vader’s helmet like it’s a religious icon… this isn’t the villain we started out with.

Him butting heads with General Hux (Domhnall Gleeson) felt like children bickering rather than a clashing of titans. That may not entirely be fair to say as we don’t really know that much about these characters, but… I don’t know, there’s something about seeing a skinny dude in a uniform stand up to an evil Force-wielder with a cool lightsaber, and winning, that sucks out all of the credible evil that Kylo Ren had. An argument could be made, “wasn’t that how Vader and Tarkin were in EPISODE IV?” Not really. The full scope of their relationship is never revealed. What about that “officer’s meeting” scene where Vader’s Force-choking that dude who sasses him? Tarkin told Vader to stop and he did. First of all, look at the way it’s shot, Vader’s physicality, Vader doesn’t seem to really care about killing this officer. It was little more than a demonstration of the Force, not a Sith Lord bending over for a Grand Moff. They seem to tolerate each other. They seem like they’re professionals. They work together, not for each other. Here, they’re both inexperienced, but I have more respect for a man who can talk down on a Sith-like dude and get away with it.

Also, now here’s the spoiler train, being the offspring of Han Solo and Leia, this little prick… Jesus, instead of arming myself with a lightsaber and an implant making my Force-usage more acute, I just wanna lay this little **** over my lap and spank him. A child of one of the most important characters in the original trilogy should have been treated better, making him killing his dad – YES, HAN SOLO IS KILLED BY KYLO REN – kind of a mixed bag. Han’s the most bankable character, so… blasphemy! But, ballsy. And I would accept the incident more if, once again, Kylo Ren was a better character. Han’s death clearly carries weight and will hopefully really affect the Universe of Star Wars in a huge way.

Snoak is kind of a lame Emperor-like villain so far. We don’t know much more about him. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, since he’s being portrayed by Andy Serkis, but… all he looks like is a zombie. His reveal better have a huge payoff. I can only stand so many lame villains. The same goes for Luke, who’s only in the last, literally, fifteen seconds. I really want him to the next Obi-Wan, but so long as he isn’t Kylo Ren, but Jedi version (obsessive and bitchy), I’ll be fine.

I’m glad the trailers were misleading, making me think that Finn would be a Jedi later, but no, it’s Rey (kinda). Very clever, Abrams. Respect. But again, this leads to more gripes and a good chunk of that going back to Kylo Ren. Dude’s a trained swordsman, trained in the ways of the Force… you cannot convince me that a STORMTROOPER (Finn) has any swordsman training on the level of a Force-user and hold his own. Granted, Finn got his ass kicked, but it took so LONG to kick his ass and then BAM, Rey gets the lightsaber and… AGAIN, she is holding her own against him. She IS NOT A TRAINED SWORDSMAN!!! I can believe that she can beat the **** out of a dude with her big metal pole, but… that’s not swordsmanship, that’s not a lightsaber, and she’s never fought a trained swordsman TRAINED IN THE FORCE… Kylo Ren is an incredibly incompetent villain. “You need a teacher! Let me train you!” IN WHAT, YOU LITTLE BRAT??? HOW TO BE A FAILURE AT LIFE??? GO **** @#$% YOURSELF WITH YOUR LIGHTSABER!!! **** OFF!!!

Gripes aside, mostly centered around the villain, we are treading very interesting territory and I am very excited for the next movie. But, filmmakers, please hear out the criticisms and learn from them. Develop Kylo Ren (and by extension, Snoak) better. Stay away from whiny characters. Please don’t kill more beloved characters in the second movie. If you have to, fine, but… third movie please. My poor Star Wars loving heart can’t take two for three.

Very good movie, a must-see.

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