DADDY’S HOME (transfer) review

These “transfer” reviews are from when I only did reviews on my Facebook page back in 2015. Bare in mind when reading these, I didn’t have the same formula in my review writing that I do now, and my usual “who starred and who directed” information is completely absent, so everything “italicized” is new. With that said, enjoy this review from 2015.

I wonder how hated I am for my taste in actors and films. Well, bracing for another round of judgment: I HATE WILL FARRELL!!! The actor, not the man. He is just not funny to me. Seriously, there has been only one movie that he was the star of that I liked: STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006). That’s it. And it was funny. It had smart humor. Farrell plays the character straight. He’s not a doofus, or a moron, he’s a regular guy with an irregular problem and deals with it in a real way. That has never been a role that he’s replicated. I suppose the other exception was the last team up that Farrell and Mark Wahlberg had: THE OTHER GUYS (2010), which I didn’t hate. As usual, I didn’t like Farrell, but Wahlberg was funny and the jokes were smart enough to get more than a few giggles out of me. So I had hopes that this second mash up would have some steam in it. Did it? Y’all know how this works.

Starring: Will Farrell (ZOOLANDER 2 [2016], GET HARD [2015], THE LEGO MOVIE [2014], and upcoming films DADDY’S HOME 2 [2017] and HOLMES AND WATSON [2018]) and Mark Wahlberg (PATRIOTS DAY [2016], TED [2012], MAX PAYNE [2008], and upcoming films TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST NIGHT [2017] and DADDY’S HOME 2). In support: Linda Cardellini (THE FOUNDER [2017], AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON [2015], SCOOBY DOO [2002], and the upcoming DADDY’S HOME 2), Thomas Hayden Church (MAX [2015], WE BOUGHT A ZOO [2011], and SPIDER-MAN 3 [2007]), Bobby Cannavale (ANT-MAN [2015], CHEF [2014], TV show BOARDWALK EMPIRE, and upcoming films THE NUT JOB 2: NUTTY BY NATURE [2017] and JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE [2017]), Scarlett Estevez (TV show LUCIFER), and Owen Vaccaro (MOTHER’S DAY [2016] and the upcoming DADDY’S HOME 2). 

Director and co-writer: Sean Anders (HORRIBLE BOSSES 2 [2014], SEX DRIVE [2008], and the upcoming DADDY’S HOME 2). Co-writing: Brian Burns (TV shows BLUE BLOODS and 7 episodes of ENTOURAGE) and John Morris (HORRIBLE BOSSES 2 [2014], WE’RE THE MILLERS [2013], HOT TUB TIME MACHINE [2010], and the upcoming DADDY’S HOME 2). Composer: Michael Andrews (NEIGHBORS 2: SORORITY ROW [2016], BRIDESMAIDS [2011], and DONNIE DARKO [2001]). Cinematography: Julio Macat (MIDDLE SCHOOL [2016], PITCH PERFECT [2012], ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE [1994], and the upcoming DADDY’S HOME 2)

(SUMMARY)

Brad (Will Farrell) is a proud step-father to Megan (Scarlett Estevez) and Dylan (Owen Vaccaro), and happily married to their loving mother, Sara (Linda Cardellini). However, Brad’s having a hard time being accepted as the kids’ step-dad. But just as soon as he and the family is making progress, a phone call comes in. Lo and behold, it’s their biological deadbeat dad, Dusty (Mark Wahlberg), whom the kids adore. Offering to pick Dusty up to stay with the family for awhile, much to the dismay of Sara, Brad is met at the airport with hostility. Turns out, he doesn’t like Brad that much and seems like he wants to muscle him out (figuratively and metaphorically) and now it’s a battle for the kids’ love, to which high jinks ensues.

(REVIEW)

FUCK MY LIFE!!! In the name of Jesus’ holy butt crack, this was awful. I figured I was going to hate this movie, but in the name of shit, I was hoping there would be a few decent laughs. But no. I haven’t been in this much pain watching a comedy since….ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS. But at least ALVIN had the “advantage” I guess we’ll call it, that no one expected it to be good. But Farrell is popular. Wahlberg is popular…AND funny. But this is….just not. It hurt me. It hurt me bad, kids. If I had a tumor, I’m naming it Daddy’s Home. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Farrell is ONCE AGAIN playing a fucking moron who is supposed to be awkwardly charming but just comes off as retarded. No punchline he utters is in any way funny. Every joke he blabs is a miss. A bad miss. Every joke has to have a set-up. These jokes have no set-up. Think of it like this, someone comes up to you and just shouts: “TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!” You’d probably react with, at the very least, confusion. Little do you know that it was the punchline to a joke. Well… I bet you’re not laughing. Why? Because punchlines need a set-up. That’s how you make a joke. This movie is ALL punchlines with no set-up. I can’t laugh if I don’t know why I should.

If any credit can be given, its that I know the two actors are trying. Well…Farrell will take any piece of shit thrown his way, but Wahlberg, man… Wahlberg is usually diverse in his acting. He can be a bad ass AND a funny son-of-a-bitch, but he wasn’t. He was boring. He’s trying, I see that, but it isn’t working out.

Why do these kids not accept Brad as their step-dad? Never explained. The movie constantly tries to hammer in that “kids know who their REAL dad is,” but they don’t show that with these kids. They just hate Brad for no reason. They just love Dusty for no reason. There’s this dog that looks decrepit and ready to die. The joke here is: the dog, which is blind, hates Brad for some reason. Not even all the way through the entire scene either. That dog ain’t growling when it enters the kitchen. It ain’t growling after that first growl. What the fuck is up here? Why am I supposed to be laughing at this?

To boot, Brad isn’t likable. He’s a spineless piece of shit who frustrates me with how he can’t stand up for himself. Sure, he explains this in one sentence that he was bullied, but dear god, how has he not overcome that as an adult? Rusty’s an asshole for no reason either, but he HAS to have a scene that makes him more sympathetic, even though it isn’t earned by a long-shot. Sara’s a fucking joke as she just LET’S Dusty make a fool of her husband, not taking ANY control of her life and family, but there’s always that scene that has to remind us that SHE’S the victim here as much as Brad is, which is horse shit. She had a great deal of control, but the convenience of writing prevents her from doing fuck-all other than be the conquest of both men in this movie.

Not lying, I found myself begging my legs to walk me out of the auditorium. But I guess if I can sit through JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS, I can muscle my way through this pile of shit too. But guys… I really wanted to leave.

We can probably guess that what kind of rating I’m going to give it, but I do want to point out the only good jokes that came out of the movie: the ending.

***SPOILERS***

***

***

The entire movie, Dylan tells his parents that he’s being bullied by some fourth graders. He’s tired of being bullied and is shown how to fight back. Finally, at the Daddy-Daughter dance, the bullies are revealed to the audience and, won’t lie, I laughed my ass off here, turns out to be fourth grade girls. Dylan is taught to trash-talk the biggest one, punch that bully in the nose, kick that bully in the balls, and call that bully a bitch. Well, that’s exactly what Dylan does and that had me howling with laughter. See, folks? Set-up. We assume Dylan is being bullied by boys, not girls. And Vaccaro’s passionate delivery of his lines are incredibly hilarious.

And let’s talk about arguably the BEST joke in the entire movie, the last two minutes. Dusty was always the tough guy between him and Brad. This running gag is nothing new and barely funny. BUT, who remembers the movie TRAINWRECK (2015) with Amy Schumer? Remember that scene in the movie theater where John Cena’s character is called Mark Wahlberg and that line, “I look like Mark Wahlberg ATE Mark Wahlberg”? Put that scene in a safe place in your mind. We’re going to come back to that. So back to DADDY’S HOME, Dusty and Brad become friends and Dusty’s a better dad than he was before. Happy ending with him getting married to a new woman and Dusty is step-dad to his wife’s daughter. Well, a hardcore motorcycle drives up and it’s a heavily-muscled bad-ass, obviously the wife’s baby-daddy. Dude removes his helmet and guess who it fucking is: John mother fucking Cena who treats Dusty like shit. I was pissing my pants I was laughing to damn much. I won’t lie though, this joke would still be funny in its own right, but I am convinced that TRAINWRECK was the prequel to this movie and these movies’ sole purpose was to execute that one glorious punchline.

***

***

***END SPOILERS***

This movie is horrible. It’s an insult to comedy and I don’t even like comedies all that much for this very reason. It’s my phoned-in formula all over again: A bunch of idiots, doing idiotic things, getting themselves into trouble. It’s a shitty movie that left me in mental pain. Sure, the last five, ten minutes are hilarious, but out of a ninety minute movie, that’s not a good chunk of time spent with humorous dialog.

1/5

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