THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY review

Oh dear god was I not looking forward to this movie. Alright, so let’s get this out of the way, as I’ve had a little too many people curse me out and tell me I’m scum: I AM NOT A SACHA BARON COHEN FAN!!! I have only seen so much of BORAT, BRÜNO, and THE DICTATOR before having to switch away out of lack of funny. So no, I’ve never seen any of these movies all the way through. I’ve seen enough.

I will say, however, his supporting roles have been good. MADAGASCAR, for example. He was King Julien. Who doesn’t love King Julien? Or SWEENY TODD. He was great in these movies, and he’s not the star. That’s about the only capacity that I can tolerate him. If he’s the star, nope… just nope. Running away from that shit like a gamer told to play SUPERMAN 64. Not happening.

Except it did happen, and I have no excuse other than… I need an opinion for it when I go to work and guests ask me what I think of it. So this will be the first Cohen movie that I will have sat all the way through for. This is my honest opinion of THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY.

(SUMMARY)

The story follows Nobby (Sacha Baron Cohen), who is an Englishman from the small town of Grimsby. He has a wife, several children, and spends most of his days drinking beer with the townsfolk and watching soccer. Despite his poor status, he’s a happy camper… except he thinks about his baby brother Sebastian everyday. When he was a kid, Nobby and Sebastian’s parents died and they ended up separated. While Nobby grew up as he did, Sebastian on the other hand became MI6’s top agent. Well, an assignment of his takes Sebastian back to Grimsby: prevent an assassination of an important person. However, Nobby gets word that Sebastian will be at this important event and finds him… messing up Sebastian’s attempt to do his job, accidentally kills the person he was supposed to protect, and now MI6 thinks that Sebastian has gone rogue. Barely able to tolerate Nobby’s interference, the two embark on a journey of survival and the attempt to clear Sebastian’s name.

(REVIEW)

Dear JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS… I am so sorry… I labeled you as my #1 worst movie of 2015. You were definitely a rotten movie, but… by comparison to the violation I suffered through, the unrelenting mind rape that I was forced to endure for an hour and twenty-three minutes… you might as well have been CITIZEN KANE. Yup, this is it folks. I am officially declaring THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY the absolute WORST movie I have personally ever seen.

I don’t even really want to talk about it because it’s so painful to think about, but no reviewer or critic worth their mettle would ever just spout “IT SUCKS!!!” without going into why. I don’t intend this to be a very long review, so I will just describe one scene and you can decide for yourself if this movie is for you or not and figure out my absolute loathing of this… piece of shit masquerading as a movie.

Nobby and Sebastian are on the run from assassins and find themselves in a savanna with a herd of elephants. With little time to think, Nobby tells Sebastian to trust him. The assassins arrive, but only see the elephants and decide to search for the brothers elsewhere. Turns out, the brothers were hiding in an elephant’s vagina. This is about as graphic as it sounds. (If you stop reading here, you’ve come far enough and are a valiant soldier.) In an attempt to see if the coast is clear, Nobby wiggles toward the exit and pokes his head out. He says the assassins are indeed gone, but as if on cue, the female elephant has caught the eye of a male elephant with an erect penis, making a beeline for it. Unable to leave in time, Nobby goes back to Sebastian and the male begins to fuck the female, its penis repeatedly striking Sebastian in the face. In order for this to end quicker, Nobby suggests that Sebastian stroke the elephant’s penis as Nobby works the testicles. The male elephant soon jizzes all over Sebastian. The male leaves the female and the brothers try to leave. However, another male elephant enters the picture and the same thing happens. Then it’s revealed elephants are standing in line to fuck this one female and one of the elephants ends up fucking Nobby’s ass, all the while drenched in elephant semen.

If you managed to read all of that, I salute you. While that may be the worst offending scene in the entire movie, don’t think for a minute that the rest of the humor is that much better. It’s chalk full of wide-angle lens shots of human testicles in another man’s mouth, being sucked, the thumbs up of giving children loaded guns and vaping… it’s a colossal contamination of the brain that I can’t believe I sat all the way through of. I have never walked out of a movie before. I didn’t do it here, but guys… I really wanted to. I really fucking wanted to. I didn’t spend money on this (thank God almighty), but I still wanted my money back. I wanted my hour and twenty-three minutes back. The day this movie leaves the cinema, I swear, I’m going to celebrate with cake and presents and declaring it a personal holiday.

My honest rating: 0/5

That’s right, a ZERO out of 5. I don’t give those out. That’s not on my 1 to 5 out of 5 scale. That’s how bad this fucking thing is.

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HAIL, CAESAR! review

He he, the Coen Brothers. Their movies always provide me with so much amusement. They may not have achieved FARGO status in the last decade, but they don’t need to. An enjoyable movie is an enjoyable movie. When their latest outing was announced, I won’t lie, I got a little giddy. There was something so special to see them make a movie where George Clooney gets kidnapped in a Roman soldier outfit. Plus, Josh Brolin in a comedy. That doesn’t happen often, but it sure is a treat when he is, so I was pretty stoked to see this one. Found a time to see it before my shift at work started and sat down ready for a good time. This is my honest opinion of HAIL, CAESAR!

(SUMMARY)

Set in the backdrop of the 50’s, Hollywood producer and occasional fixer Eddie Mannix (Josh Brolin) is a well-respected man in his line of work, which has him overlooking a rather hyped film the studio is making, titled HAIL, CAESAR!: A TALE OF CHRIST, starring one of the world’s biggest stars, Baird Whitlock (George Clooney). But things take a rather sudden turn when Baird is drugged between takes and is kidnapped by men disguised as extras on the film set. The men are part of a larger group calling themselves The Future and want $100,000 for the super star’s safe return. So begins a desperate game of discretion to round up the money, while Baird discovers that there may be more to his captors than meets the eye.

(REVIEW)

FUN FACT: When Brolin is slapping Clooney… yeah, that was real. Brolin really slapped Clooney multiple times. Clooney’s reaction was genuine. For proof, skip ahead to the :30 mark.

 

In true Coen Brothers fashion, they didn’t disappoint. I swear, it’s like watching a Muppets movie for adults.

Brolin was so enjoyable to watch on screen. If anyone recalls from the trailer, he’s carrying that leather suitcase and trying to escape from Tilda Swinton, he does this funny little run. I can’t explain why I think this is so funny to me. Maybe it’s because Brolin has more drama roles under his belt, playing intense and serious characters. I mean, this man is THANOS from the Marvel franchise! This guy threatened to bathe the star-ways in Ronin the Accuser’s blood! And now… he’s trotting away with a suitcase full of money trying to save Clooney’s life, it just tickles me. But never mind a half second of a shot that only happens once, I just love the choices Brolin makes. Tell me if I’m going crazy or something, but… did Brolin sport a Mid-Atlantic accent? I would swear on God’s porcelain throne that he did. I don’t know, I just loved everything about him.

And Clooney, holy shit, I just wanted to adopt Baird Whitlock. He is such a lovable doofus. I mean, the guy wakes up and takes his abduction like a learning experience, gets roped into joining the Communist party, and agrees to play along with everything. All the while still dressed like a Roman soldier with his sword glued to his side, often thwarting his attempts to easily sit in a chair, it’s just hilarious to watch.

And oh my god, all those detours. Ralph Fiennes as an film director trying to direct an actor clearly out of his element. This could have easily gotten stale really fast, but there’s always something new the character has to tell the actor to stop doing. It’s just one line, but this actor just can’t get it right. Plus, I love the ultimate punchline where they just change the line entirely to better suit the man’s vocal capabilities. Channing Tatum’s tap-dancing number, mostly pointless, completely entertaining and well-choreographed.

Time for my shout outs to actors I love to see in movies, of which there are a few in this film.

The first goes out to The Author himself, Patrick Fischler as one of the Communist kidnappers. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a big fan of the TV show ONCE UPON A TIME and Fischler was a villain of last season. I may not have been a fan of the character, but I loved Fischler’s performance and energy.

Another shout to one of my favorite scenes in the movie, the original Thunder God himself, Christopher FUCKING Lambert! The moment I recognized him, I had to bite my lip to prevent myself from squeeing. Huge fan of the first MORTAL KOMBAT movie and the first HIGHLANDER, always a treat to see him in film. Pretty rare nowadays. Please do more work Lambert. Movies just aren’t the same without you.

Speaking of HIGHLANDER, CLANCY FUCKING BROWN!!! How in hell these two legends share the same movie but don’t share the same screen time… bad Coen Bros. *wrist slap* But speaking of Brown, did anyone think it just a little too much of a coincidence that the Bikini Atoll was referenced in the movie? You know… because Spongebob? Brown voices Mr. Krabs? Takes place in Bikini Bottom… which takes place beneath the Bikini Atoll? *pushes up my nerd glasses*

Now, to the Voyager’s favorite doctor, Robert Picardo. Big fan of STAR TREK: VOYAGER, and occasionally see him a bunch of other movies and TV shows, you can count on Picardo to classy up a scene, which he beautifully does in his scene here with the Coen Bros, debating on Jesus and God. Hilarious stuff there.

But now a moment of silence for the best cameo, the late and great Wayne Knight… … … It’s sort of a pun, by the way. His appearance in the film is brief and probably one of his last films, and he doesn’t really utter a line. It’s just him drugging Clooney’s character and him reacting to how long it takes for the character to drink the concoction. This man reminds me how much he will be missed. God speed, you glorious comedian.

Yeah, this had a lot going for it. The detours were what made this movie as well as the brief appearances of all these wonderful TV actors makes this a standout for me. Like I’ve said before, it’s no FARGO, but it’s entertaining nonetheless.

My honest rating: 4/5