ATOMIC BLONDE review

Aww yeah, son. It’s finally here. All that hype is about to be tested. I love a good action film, and I love a good spy film. Combine the two with a kick-ass female to helm the project, and you’ve got me saying, “Shut up, and take my money!”

The story looks like your typical betrayal-revenge thriller, but the action does look pretty awesome… eh, for the most part. I don’t know, some of the action looks a little too… choreographed. Like once someone throws a punch, it’s like there’s an obvious pause between moves so the actors and stuntmen can get into position for the next attack. The kitchen scene feels particularly heavy in this as well as that hyped up stairway scene, albeit on a smaller scale. But who knows, maybe the finished product is much more streamlined.

Let’s take a look at this on screen talent. Starring, we have the incredible Charlize Theron (THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS [2017], KUBO AND THE TWO STRINGS [2016], and HANCOCK [2008]) and James McAvoy (SPLIT [2017], X-MEN: APOCALYPSE [2016], WANTED [2008], and upcoming films X-MEN: DARK PHOENIX [2018] and M. Night Shyamalan’s Split/Unbreakable crossover, GLASS [2019]). In support, we have John Goodman (VALERIAN [2017], PATRIOTS DAY [2016], RED STATE [2011], and the upcoming TV revival ROSANNE [2018]), Sofia Boutella (THE MUMMY [2017], STAR TREK BEYOND [2016], KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE [2015], and the upcoming TV film FAHRENHEIT 451, due out… who knows when), Toby Jones (MORGAN [2016], CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER [2011], THE MIST [2007], and upcoming horror film THE SNOWMAN [2017] and JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM [2018]), Til Schweiger (INGLORIOUS BASTERDS [2009], FAR CRY [2008], and LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER: THE CRADLE OF LIFE [2003]), and in a bit role, Daniel Bernhardt (LOGAN [2017], THE MATRIX RELOADED [2003], and TV show MORTAL KOMBAT: CONQUEST [1998]).

Now for the talent behind the scenes. Directing, we have David Leitch, a former stuntman who has been a part of countless action films. His career stretches from HITMAN: AGENT 47 (2015), all the way back to Marvel’s BLADE (1998). He’ll be directing the upcoming DEADPOOL 2 (2018). Penning the screenplay is Kurt Johnstad, known for 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE (2014), ACT OF VALOR (2012), and 300 (2006). And… wait a tick, this movie is based on a graphic novel? Hmm… news to me. Apparently, it was a series titled “The Coldest City.” Anywho, the composer for the score is action film veteran Tyler Bates, known for GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 (2017), JOHN WICK (2014), SUPER (2010), and Marvel’s upcoming Netflix show THE PUNISHER [2017]. Last, but not least, the cinematographer is Jonathan Sela, known for TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017), LAW ABIDING CITIZEN (2009), THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008), and the upcoming DEADPOOL 2.

Overall, yeah, this could be pretty bad-ass, so I’m stoked for this.

This is my honest opinion of: ATOMIC BLONDE

(SUMMARY)

Set during the Cold War in 1989. Lorraine (Charlize Theron) is a British spy and being called in by her superiors for a mission debriefing, detailing her assignment of tracking down a missing list that contains the names of every operative working for British intelligence.

(REVIEW)

Apologies for the delay in this review’s release. I did actually see it last week, and I had to see this again. Not because it was that good, but because I had a miserable experience watching this the first time. So before I go into the review, I’m going to start with an enraged rant about being on your fucking cell phone in the movies. So if you want to skip that and go right to the review, CTRL-F and type “HPOR”. So here we go.

So I’m watching the movie and during an important exposition scene, this woman behind me starts talking on her phone. Allow me to really describe what I mean by this. Her phone is on SPEAKER, high volume so everyone can hear, and you’d swear to God that this bitch was in the middle of an important business meeting because she’s not even making an attempt to whisper. She’s talking like normal. My favorite part of the entire conversation she’s having with who the fuck cares, at one point, she apologizes. Not to the audience who is being horrendously inconvenienced, mind you, but to the person she’s talking to, as if all the people screaming at her to get off her phone are interrupting their important conversation. It took me a good five, maybe even ten minutes to finally get up and track down an employee at the AMC that I frequent and told them exactly where to find her. By the time I got back in the auditorium, everyone was in an uproar at this bitch, WHO IS STILL ON HER PHONE!!! You know what it finally took for her to hang up? Some dude got up from his seat and got right in her fucking face. Of fucking course, in that specific moment, that’s when the employee comes in, just narrowly missing out on the mayhem.

The experience, for all intents and purposes, was fine afterward, but the sheer amount of inconsideration from this incident is beyond baffling. Fine, a phone goes off, it happens. Like me, I don’t have many people who call me and talk to me, so there’s almost no reason to care about, “Alright, one last thing. Using your phone is distracting. Don’t ruin the movie!” Oversights happen and most people are generally understanding of that. But these people (she was with a companion) literally paid twenty-plus dollars just to watch half the flick and spend ten minutes of the remainder of their time there on a conference call. People, I don’t pay money to see these movies to hear your phone chats. I don’t pay money to see your cell phone screens light up. And to go so far as to talk, whispering or full blown outdoor voices? Are you fucking kidding me? How did FIREFLY’s Shepherd Book put it?

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And to everyone else who is as pissed off with this shit as I am… don’t be like me, waiting ten minutes for them to stop without telling the theater staff. I know, maybe you don’t like confrontation, or don’t like missing any part of the movie, but… if you don’t take some sort of action, they won’t stop talking. You’re going to miss out on the movie one way or another. Don’t miss out on more than you, or the rest of the audience that has a set of fucking manners, need to.

(HPOR) Now for the review.

I’ve probably said this before, but spy films can be a hit or miss for me if they’re not comedies. This is because the ones that you’re supposed to take seriously, James Bond, Jason Bourne, they have a tendency to have complicated plots that my brain isn’t calibrated to follow. I eventually tune out the politics, ramifications, and junk in lieu of waiting for the action scenes or attempting to connect with the character relationships, which is always the crux of why I end up liking them. A few one-liners never hurt either. So how does this movie rank among them? It’s good. Not great. I don’t argue the “Kick-ass action,” or “…totally badass,” comments. Hell, I don’t even argue the whole, “We now have our female 007!” comments either. But… yeah, I don’t love this movie.

The smaller issue that I have with this movie is just how drenched in neon colors this movie was. This is personal, obviously, but the very aesthetic of this film is a struggle. If it’s not bright neon colors, it’s pale white and blue. I know, I know, snow and shit, and I don’t know if I could properly explain why it bugs me. But couple that with the 80’s techno music, or whatever it was, it sort of made my eyelids heavy. It succeeds in making itself distinguished among other action-spy films, but it does it in a way that didn’t agree with me. It’s that same sensation that I get when I play a first-person shooter video game; I just get a headache after awhile, which ruins the experience some. Like I said, the majority of viewers likely weren’t bothered by this, but I was.

Another smaller complaint was the lesbian scene. Now before you feminists get your pitchforks and torches, hear me out. Setting my man-brain aside who absolutely adores two attractive women having sex, pure titillation is something I reserve for porn. That’s what it’s for. However, gratuitous sex and nudity in a movie is exploitative and, frankly, annoying. It’s there just for marketing and to get asses in seats. Now, if the story is about sex and relationships, trying to do it in an artistic way, that’s perfectly acceptable. In coming-of-age films, the exploration of sexual awakening, a character who doesn’t believe in monogamy learns to fall in love, that sort of thing, then of course, the sex and nudity is more warranted and understandable. But that’s for those movies. Action films don’t always put that kind of effort into the romantic relationships. The exceptions for me are the Bourne films and the occasional Bond film. I do not believe this film does the relationship between Lorraine and Delphine justice. While both Theron and Boutella are outstanding actresses to be sure, Lorraine and Delphine barely share any screen time together before they bang and I don’t believe the sex was truly organic to the story. It’s certainly a lighter exploitation, mostly because there are good scenes between them later, which I’ll get to, and it’s not over graphic with either the nudity or the physicality, but I feel like for the relationship to carry more weight, more time should have been dedicated to them. Unfortunately, that could have also derailed the film and not kept the story in focus if not done well, but it could have been done. The two ladies could have ran around Berlin solving pieces of the puzzle together, fighting together, it could have worked.

A bigger issue that I also had was, as predicted, some of the fight scenes felt a little too choreographed. Like I said above, the action looks like… punch! Pause. Punch again! Pause, wait for stunt actor to get into place. Punch! Okay, it’s not as bad as I’m making it out, but I feel like I could literally see the actors trying to get back to their marks and waiting for their cue. It more prominent in the kitchen during the apartment fight, and pretty brief in the balcony scene toward the climax, but it’s still there and pretty distracting. Again, this may be something most won’t notice, care about, or agree with me on, but it did feel a touch distracting to me.

The biggest issue I had with the film was how complicated the story was that I could barely follow it. Okay, so a list of all the MI6 agents is now in the hands of the bad guys. We learn that the latest agent killed was a lover or boyfriend of Lorraine’s. We also learn that there’s a traitor within MI6, code named Satchel, whom Lorraine is tasked with finding as well because it’s this person who’s leaked the list to their enemies. I know that these plot point intersect and how they’re related to each other, but… why was Lorraine in that apartment? She says she was looking for clues to Satchel’s identity, but… what was she looking for specifically? We’re not filled in on her plans or strategies, so it just looks like that scene was there to showcase another action sequence. I guess she finds that picture with Percival (James McAvoy) and her dead lover, revealing them to be friends. But that information is never brought up after he admits to it and doesn’t play a further role in anything, so what’s the point? Beyond that, characters seem to take themselves from one location to the other when it feels like it should be as simple as finding the missing Spyglass (Eddie Marsan), who committed the entire list of operatives to memory. It never truly feels like anyone is on point with their objectives. And if I can’t follow the actions and motivations of the characters… it can easily bore me. So yes, outside of the action scenes, the movie is pretty boring and not overly interesting. The pieces are there, but they don’t fit very well.

But before anyone starts thinking that I hate this film, I don’t. So let’s dive into the good aspects.

First and foremost, yes, the action is great. I’ve already mentioned how I felt the action was a little too choreographed, but I do give it some credit that the action is visceral. Dude gets hit in the face with a pot or a freezer door, it really looks like it hurts. Someone gets shot in the stomach, but still attempts to fight, it looks like a real struggle. People getting punched, or thrown around onto wooden furniture or getting whacked with lamps and shit, stabbed in the neck with a cork-screw, the action is undeniably intense and gritty. Especially with all the cuts, bruises, and blood, you feel just as exhausted as the actors do. Hell, especially in the balcony scene, I know if it were me, all battered and beat up, I’d just be like, “You know what, just go. I’m done. Have a good Wednesday.” It’s pretty awesome.

The actors also churn out solid performances and work incredibly well off of each other. Lorraine and Percival are pretty funny and I enjoy their banter. I also liked the connection that Lorraine and Delphine shared. Despite the unnecessary sex, there is a really good scene with the two of them in bed together and they’re talking, Delphine comments that her eyes change when she tells the truth and the dialog goes something like:

LORRAINE
Thanks for the warning. Now I know to not do it again.

DELPHINE
Why?

LORRAINE
Because someday it’s going to get me killed.

That’s a really poignant line. It shows that someone can spot a weakness that could potentially be exploited and she now has to compensate for it in order to cover her ass. But more than that, it’s a detail that was told to her by someone that has always tried to be on her side, and wouldn’t exploit her weaknesses. So of course, I love Boutella’s performance as this semi-innocent and inexperienced field agent who is clearly way over her head. But I really liked Delphine as a character and the impact she had on Lorraine.

There’s also a deep level of appreciation for the details. I mean, in that reveal scene with Theron, Lorraine coming out of that ice cold bath tub, every inch of her body covered in bruises and cuts. It really gives you that sense of how bad-ass she is and you feel every bit of that bruising as she does. Except everyone in the audience is a pussy because y’all be squirming in your seats and she’s just all, “Smokin’ my cig, poppin’ my pills, fuck this job, I’m a bad-ass, mother fuckers.” Pretty sure I’d be on the ground crying like my mother if a swarm of spiders were just crawling over her. And boomeranging back to the stairwell scene, I’m pretty sure Theron started that scene without a scratch, but then the bruises and cuts were all over her by the end of it. I’m curious, were those bruises… real? I mean, according to the trivia on IMDb, she cracked two teeth during filming. She really was getting slammed into walls… albeit padded ones, but how far off the mark can I possibly be? Maybe they’re digitally inserted? Either way, it’s fantastic and it’s made to look like it’s all done in one take. I can probably safely assume it wasn’t, but it’s not quite quite easy to spot where the cuts may be.

Fun fact: That tunnel when Lorraine is in the car and beats dudes with her shoe? That’s the same tunnel used in CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR (2016) when Black Panther is chasing down Bucky Barnes. I part of me thought I’d recognized it, but I didn’t think much of it until I read that.

Overall, I can’t say that this is a bad movie. It’s very well done and well-executed, but I just don’t love it, or like it all that much. The visuals literally hurt my eyes and head, so it’s already hard to get enveloped by the film. Bits and pieces of the action don’t look right, and some of the character choices don’t always make sense to me, so I can’t climb on the band wagon that everyone has a ticket for. But there is a real passion behind the project that I can’t deny. To my understanding, this is a passion project of Theron’s and it really shows. It’s hard hitting, beautifully shot, fantastic acting, it’s no wonder why so many like it. I say if you like your action-spy flicks, or enjoy the cast, this is a good one to check out. It’s not a movie that I can personally see a third time, but I acknowledge it’s merits and I recommend it.

My honest rating for ATOMIC BLONDE: a strong 3/5

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TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT review

If it makes money, why fix it?

The fact that this is the fifth movie in this franchise shows that far too many people aren’t demanding better, making this question more and more relevant to movie-goers. Why are you Transformers lovers paying for this crap? How can you stand watching the same movie over and over?

Alright, how familiar am I with the Transformers franchise? Well, to be honest, not as much as most of my peers. To clarify, I’m talking about the original cartoon back in the 80s. I never watched it. To be fair, I was born in 1989. Already, the TV show had run its course and the movie was almost old news. And no, I didn’t grow up watching re-runs. I did, however, watch the 2001 cartoon TRANSFORMERS: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE. That was how I got into the franchise. I think I got into another iteration after ROBOTS – ARMADA, I think it was called – but then I drifted away from the cartoons, despite the many reboots.

Of course, this review is about the live-action films. So what do I think of them? TRANSFORMERS (2007) was awesome. Was it a dumb action sci-fi movie? Sure, but it was a ton of fun and it gave us exactly what we wanted to see: big ass robots fighting big ass robots with some awesome action scenes, original Optimus Prime voice actor Peter Cullen returns to voice his iconic character, Shia Labeouf was tolerable as an actor, Megan Fox was… damn (in a good way), the effects were downright groundbreaking, it was a cool-ass film.

But then REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) happened. If I remember correctly, that movie grossed the second highest of any movie that year and for understandable reasons. It was coming off the heels of the first film, which was popular as shit. Everyone wanted to see the sequel. We regret that. I don’t know a single person that actually thought it was good or even okay. It was a straight-up bad movie. It was horribly unfunny, characters were remarkably annoying, Fox was atrociously exploited, and it didn’t show anything new. Hell, half way through the film, they kill off Optimus Prime only to bring him back at the end. I know a lot of people will cry out against its racially insensitive characters, but I didn’t catch on to that stuff. I simply looked at it like they were unfunny “hip” characters that are obviously not “hip.” It was a messy film that relied too much on bad comedy.

DARK OF THE MOON (2011). I maintain that this was a slightly better film than REVENGE, but it’s still not that great a movie, mostly because it’s pretty forgettable. In fact, it’s more of the behind-the-scenes stuff that got the most buzz. Fox compared Michael Bay to Hitler, so she was fired and replaced by the equally gorgeous, but less talented Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (just wait for MAD MAX: FURY ROAD [2015] and all will eventually be forgiven). It was her first real acting gig, so she’s by no means the reason this movie wasn’t good. Hell, even the bad comedy isn’t memorable because we had enough of that to overload the internet from the last movie. All I remember is that it’s only a little better.

Finally, we have the infamous AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014). As it turns out, taking a three year hiatus, as opposed to their traditional two, did little to give the creators of these things time to develop a good idea because this movie is arguably the worst of the franchise. On paper, it might look like they were trying to revitalize the films. Kicking LaBeouf to the wayside and replacing him with the significantly more talented and likable Mark Wahlberg, and including the admittedly awesome-looking dinobots, this probably should have been the most passable installment since the first. Boy howdy, it sure wasn’t. Each of the films have certainly been long, around the two and a half hour mark, the first film at least earned its runtime by being awesome and exciting. None of the other films have an excuse. And this film, clocking in at fifteen minutes shy of a three hour film is the greatest offender. For a movie as long as it was, I literally remember even less than the third film. Wahlberg had a gun/sword, the boyfriend was annoying as hell, and… that’s it. What else was worth remembering? Oh, maybe the ending where Prime is off into space declaring his hunting of other Decepticons or whatever.

Now we have this thing. I don’t think it looks like it’s going to change people’s minds. Early reviews painted this movie as the worst of the franchise, which… wow, I can’t imagine that. Or… maybe I can. From what I hear, the negative reviews are totally warranted. Somehow, this franchise worked in Merlin the Wizard. Yeah, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table Merlin. That Merlin. There’s posters showing Bumblebee killing Nazis, and Christ, what is with these movies trying to rewrite history like this?! It’s a load of horse shit and totally not needed! Whatever. The worse the ideas get, the more likely this franchise will implode, fail, and then get rebooted five years later with a brand new team and maybe we’ll get a good new franchise that knows how to take care of itself. So maybe that’s how we should look at these movies. They’re getting worse, and that’s a good thing.

Well, here’s the cast. Starring, we have Mark Wahlberg (PATRIOTS DAY [2016], THE GAMBLER [2015], PAIN & GAIN [2013], and the upcoming DADDY’S HOME 2 [2017]), Optimus Prime voice veteran, Peter Cullen (THE TIGGER MOVIE [2000], and TV shows TRANSFOMERS: RESCUE BOTS and CHIP ‘N’ DALE RESCUE RANGERS), Anthony Hopkins (COLLIDE [2016], THOR [2011], THE MASK OF ZORRO [1998], and the upcoming THOR: RAGNAROK [2017]), and Isabela Moner (MIDDLE SCHOOL [2016], a bunch of Nickelodeon shows, and the upcoming THE NUT JOB 2: NUTTY BY NATURE [2017]). In support, on the human side, we have Josh Duhamel (CHIPS [2017], WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON! [2004], and TV show FANBOY AND CHUM CHUM), Laura Haddock (GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 [2017] and GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY [2014]), Stanley Tucci (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST [2017], THE HUNGER GAMES [2012], and AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS [2001]), and John Turturro (HANDS OF STONE [2016], MR. DEEDS [2002], and THE BIG LEBOWSKI [1998]). On the voice-over side, we have John Goodman (KONG: SKULL ISLAND [2017], 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE [2016], PARANORMAN [2012], and the upcoming ATOMIC BLONDE [2017], and TV revival ROSANNE [2018]), Ken Watanabe (GODZILLA [2014], INCEPTION [2010], LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA [2006], and the upcoming GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS [2019]), Steve Buscemi (THE BOSS BABY [2017], HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA [2012], and FINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS WITHIN [2001]), Omar Sy (BURNT [2015], X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST [2014], and THE INTOUCHABLES [2011]), and John DiMaggio (BATMAN: THE KILLING JOKE [2016], video game GEARS OF WAR [2006], TV show FUTURAMA, and upcoming animated film BATMAN AND HARLEY QUINN [2017] and video game CRASH BANDICOOT N. SANE TRILOGY [2017]).

Now for behind the scenes. Directing is Michael Bay, known for 13 HOURS (2016), ARMAGEDDON (1998), and THE ROCK (1996). RED FLAG!!! Three writers: Art Marcum and Matt Holloway (PUNISHER: WAR ZONE [2008] and IRON MAN [2008]), and Ken Nolan (BLACK HAWK DOWN [2001]), and all three are slated for Transformers 7 (2019) and Transformers 8 (unannounced release year). Composing the score is Steve Jablonsky, known for DEEPWATER HORIZON (2016), THE LAST WITCH HUNTER (2015), and THE HITCHER (2007). Finally, the cinematographer is Jonathan Sela, known for JOHN WICK (2014), MAX PAYNE (2008), THE OMEN (2006), and upcoming films ATOMIC BLONDE (2017) and DEADPOOL 2 (2018).

Overall, I’m eager to see how stupid this movie gets. So far, it’s already grossed a franchise-low at the box office, so it stands to reason that these movies won’t be around much longer. One can only hope.

This is my honest opinion for: TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT

(SUMMARY)

The US government has declared war on all Transformers, Autobots and Decepticons. Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) hasn’t been heard of since he ventured into space to search for his maker. Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) is in hiding with the Autobots as the government hounds for him. In the process, he’s taken on a young teen girl named Izabela (Isabela Moner), who has a knack for fixing machines, including Transformers. Things get even more complicated when Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony Hopkins) realizes that the remains of the dying planet of Cybertron, the Transformer homeworld, is coming to consume Earth, and an ancient relic from a thousand years ago has chosen Cade to help prevent Earth’s destruction with the help of Oxford Professor Vivian Wembley (Laura Haddock).

(REVIEW)

Yup, it’s as bad as it’s anticipated to be.

I think it’s actually really important to give something away as a public service announcement. It’s not a spoiler, so don’t worry. It’s likely that you’ve seen the trailers or TV spots, so we all know the marketing surrounds Optimus Prime as the bad guy throughout. Yeah, this is a big freakin’ deception. What do I mean? I mean he’s absent for most of the run time. In two and a half hours, he has maybe two or three scenes in the first hour that last two to five minutes each and is gone until the final half hour where he does all his “bad guy” stuff… which probably doesn’t last more than fifteen minutes. Yeah, not even kidding. The main selling point of this thing isn’t even the God-damned focus.

So… what’s left? Well, nothing interesting. In fact, this thing ranges from being remarkably boring to bizarrely stupid, taking the stupidity of this franchise to a whole new level. Remember when I said that they worked in Merlin the Wizard into this movie? Yeah, this wasn’t some kind of joke. Merlin isn’t some crazy metaphor of some historical figure. No, it’s actually far worse. Merlin was a real dude. He’s played by a bearded and thoroughly unrecognizable Tucci, and is a drunken weirdo who found some lone Transformers that crashed on Earth 1,000 years prior to the events of the story and they grant him a staff that grants him powers, sort of. Merlin isn’t a magical being in this. At least, it’s not clearly established that he is. If I were to hazard a guess, the movie is trying to establish that Merlin was indeed a real person and his “magic” was just Transformer technology, which would be perceived as magic in the dark ages. But… by heavenly Jesus, why? None of this backstory is necessary. The runtime is already two and half hours and much of that could be trimmed down just by getting rid of useless mythos.

Speaking of useless mythos, this movie is beyond impossible to follow. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that it gets unbearably complicated. So, Optimus somehow gets injured in space and finds his dying home of Cybertron. There, he meets his maker Quintessa (Gemma Chan), who says that the staff can save Cybertron. This staff is apparently inside a gigantic, semi-living, ancient Transformer ship called Unicron and combining Cybertron with this thing, it will save Cybertron, but destroy all life on Earth. 1,000 years ago, Merlin was given a staff by the Transformers that came there at that time, twelve total, and upon his death, he was buried with the staff. I still have no idea what the Wicwicca bloodline is, other than it would later be called Wickwicky, which is the name of Lebeouf’s character in the first three films, and they’ve been the ones that have kept the whole “Transformers have been here for a long time” a secret from the world. Seriously, that seems like a pretty tough feat to accomplish because they’ve clearly been cropping up since the Dark Ages in paintings. Any eagle-eyed historian would have noticed something when the Transformers arrived… again… in the first film. Not to mention there’s the whole, “Bumblebee fought the Nazis” bullshit. That was in the 1940’s! Records would have existed about giant robots slaughtering Nazis. And of course, there’s how f**king stupid Vivian is. She’s this curator for a museum, or whatever, and dismisses the King Arthur stuff as mere legends, even though in a painting, there’s a clear depiction of a TRANSFORMERS DRAGON RIGHT THERE!!! How the hell does someone miss that shit?! Maybe the “magic” angle is nonsense, even in this universe, but there has to be something worth looking into when realizing that Transformers have made their way into 1,000 year old art. It’s beyond moronic that this isn’t addressed.

I know I was prattling there, but this is just what was coming out at the time. There’s probably a shit-load more to talk about and how many plot holes there are, but I haven’t the energy to try and list them all. I was tired just from the paragraph above. And that’s what the experience of watching this is: your brain gets so overloaded with complexities that eventually your mind overheats and you stop giving a shit. Oh, Cade’s been chosen by an ancient Transformer knight to… do I have no idea what, but it allows him to summon a sword and grants him super strength to block an attack from a big Transformer with its own sword. Yeah, that happens. Do you feel like you’re getting stupider just reading this? Try watching it. It’s a mental endurance test unlike any I’ve experienced in recent memory, at least from a genre that shouldn’t be that hard to entertain me with.

Ugh, what else should I say? I usually don’t mind Duhamel as an actor, but I feel like Lennox is so bland and useless in this movie that he could have been switched out with any actor and the role would have been fine. His ferocity and bad-assery from the first film has never been recaptured. Not his fault, but I wish the writers weren’t concerned with fan-service and learned how to properly develop characters. Alongside him with useless characters are Izabella, Jimmy (Jerrod Carmichael), and Buscemi as Daytrader, who is a horrible choice to voice the design of the character. I love Buscemi, but he could never voice a character that looks like a gruff, over-weight, bearded trader. It’s distracting as hell. Thankfully, it doesn’t last long. Also, the dinobots get pushed to the wayside pretty early on with no mention for where they were in the climax of the film. The baby dinobots were painful “cute pandering.” Admittedly, I want one, but they’re obvious emotional manipulation. Plus, they don’t stick around in the film long. Haddock gets brutally saddled with a ton of sexist scenes involving women only talking about being with men and how she can’t be a real woman if she doesn’t have one by her side. We also have that dumb-shit cliché where Vivian and Cade don’t get along at first but the audience knows they’ll hook up by the end. By god… the more I think about all this, the more my head hurts.

Is there anything redeeming about this movie? Nothing that truly saves it. Wahlberg is passable. Hopkins is kind of enjoyably hokey and zero-shits-given about his performance. Maybe the climax is a little different than what we’ve seen with some big-scale visuals. While it’s clear that this movie is more of the same, it’s more of the same in all the wrong places too. It’d be one thing if it was just boring action and useless characters with wasted actors, but there’s still a plethora of groan-worthy humor, sexism, stupid mythology additions, and marketing that lies to your damned face, barely delivering on its promised premise to the point the movie basically doesn’t. “More of the same” shouldn’t give this movie a pass. We should know what we’re getting ourselves into, but if we can predict all these horrible tropes that have become all too familiar with these things, then this shouldn’t be a shrug followed by a “whatever.” This should be the final straw in which audiences don’t see them. With good franchises going strong with better stories and characters, Transformers should be fizzling out now. I urge audiences to not see it. Or, if you have to, and I can’t believe I’m actually suggesting this, don’t pay for this. Sneak in to the auditorium, but don’t give Bay, his writing team, or the studios that greenlight these projects your hard earned money.

My honest rating for TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT: 1/5

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