KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE quick review

For those not in the know, “Kingsman” is based on a comic book series of the same name. Actually, I think the original title for the comic was “The Secret Service” but changed the name to tie in better with the 2015 film. Fun fact of the day, this comic series actually takes place in the same universe as the “Kick-Ass” comic books, as they’re written by the same writer, Mark Millar. Something about Kick-Ass referencing something that took place in the Kingsman series.

But we’re not here to talk about comics. We’re here to talk about movies. The first film, KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE (2015) was wildly popular with audiences upon its release. It shot Taron Egerton to the stars, gave us one of my personal favorite newcomers, Sofia Boutella, was over-the-top violent, had a fun cameo by Mark Hamill, and was an all around fun time for all. What did I think of it? I thought it was… mostly good. While all of what I said is true, there was one detail about the film that I absolutely hated. The Kingsman training program is, obviously, very hardcore. Few people get through it. But then the final test is to get close to a cute little dog and then shoot it. Do that, and you’re a Kingsman. This pissed me off. The Kingsman prided themselves on being spies, of course, but also being gentlemen. This implies a level of grace, coolness, confidence, class. What’s graceful, cool, confident, and classy about murdering an innocent animal? Eggsy refuses to murder his dog and he’s thrown out of the Kingsman. What sense does that make?! If the dog was trained to fight back without prejudice, then fine, you gotta defend yourself and might teach you a thing or two about trust and betrayal and learning to overcome that kind of grief of killing your friend who tried to kill you. But no, Eggsy’s dog was a cute, innocent pug. Or maybe the exercise could be this: there is no failure in this test. It’s more of a placement thing. Like, okay, you murder the dog, that means you can follow orders to the tee. Field agents need to be able to do that, making you a desirable field agent. If you don’t kill the dog, you’re still a Kingsman, but because you didn’t follow your superior’s direct order, you’re assigned to intelligence work, like Mark Strong’s character, feeding tactical information, but never on the front lines himself. You know, something like that. But no, because you didn’t murder a defenseless animal, you can’t be a gentleman spy. Fuck the Kingsman, man. I never got past this element of the movie, so I personally give it a strong 3/5. As I said, the rest of the film is a load of fun.

But now we have a sequel that I know will be better than the first one. Why? Because comic book sequels have a tendency to be better than their predecessors. Plus, I’m sure there’s not going to be any more “dog murdering” bullshit to piss me off. This movie looks like it’s about the Kingsman getting wiped out by a terrorist organization and it’s up to Eggsy and Merlin, the two surviving Kingsman to work with their American cousins, the Statesman, to bring down this terrorist. As per usual, it looks fun, inventive, and bad-ass. So sign me up, bitches!

Here’s the onscreen talent. Starring, we have Taron Egerton (SING [2016], EDDIE THE EAGLE [2016], LEGEND [2015], and the upcoming ROBIN HOOD [2018]), Julianne Moore (THE HUNGER GAMES: THE MOCKINGJAY – PART 2 [2015], STILL ALICE [2014], BENNY & JOON [1993], and upcoming films WONDERSTRUCK [2017] and SUBURBICON [2017]), Mark Strong (MISS SLOANE [2016], JOHN CARTER [2012], and STARDUST [2007]), and Channing Tatum (LOGAN LUCKY [2017], THE EAGLE [2011], COACH CARTER [2005], and upcoming films with no release dates announced, GAMBIT and VAN HELSING). In support, we have Halle Berry (KIDNAP [2017], PERFECT STRANGER [2007], EXECUTIVE DECISION [1996]), Jeff Bridges (THE ONLY LIVING BOY IN NEW YORK [2017], SURF’S UP [2007], TRON [1982], and the upcoming ONLY THE BRAVE [2017]), Elton John (THE ROAD TO EL DORADO [2000], SPICE WORLD [1997], and 1 episode of TV show NASHVILLE [2012 – 2018]), Michael Gambon (HAIL, CAESAR! [2016], THE KING’S SPEECH [2010], HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN [2004], and the upcoming VICTORIA & ABDUL [2017]), and Colin Firth (BRIDGET JONES’S BABY [2016], NANNY MCPHEE [2005], SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE [1998], and upcoming films MAMMA MIA! HERE WE GO AGAIN [2018] and MARY POPPINS RETURNS [2018]).

Now for behind the scenes. Directing and co-writing is Matthew Vaughn, known for KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE (2015), X-MEN: FIRST CLASS (2011), STARDUST (2007), and the upcoming KINGSMAN 3, no release date announced. Co-writing the screenplay is Jane Goldman, known for MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN (2016), X-MEN: FIRST CLASS, STARDUST, and the upcoming KINGSMAN 3. Co-composing the score are Henry Jackman (KONG: SKULL ISLAND [2017], CAPTAIN PHILLIPS [2013], MONSTERS VS. ALIENS [2009], and upcoming films JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE [2017] and RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET: WRECK-IT RALPH 2 [2018]) and Matthew Margeson (RINGS [2017], KICK-ASS 2 [2013], and SKYLINE [2010]). Finally, the cinematographer is George Richmond, known for EDDIE THE EAGLE, KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE, and the upcoming TOMB RAIDER (2018).

Overall, I’m excited for this. Not out of my mind, but I’m pretty hyped.

This is my honest opinion of: KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE

(SUMMARY)

The Golden Circle is the largest drug cartel in the world and no one knows that it’s ran by the nefarious Poppy (Julianne Moore). She, of course, wants to hold America hostage to legalize all drugs or she won’t give up the antidote to her latest drug, which has been secretly inserted in nearly every single drug that the common person can get, which is millions. But before all that, she gets rid of the only people that she knows can get in her way: the Kingsman. Effectively wiping out all of the Kingsman, with the notable exceptions of Eggsy (Taron Egerton) and Merlin (Mark Strong). Desperate to find help, they seek it in the form of their organization’s American cousins, the Statesmen.

(QUICK REVIEW)

Meh, it’s not bad. Not as good as the first one, but not bad.

What I liked: Moore is usually a welcomed sight in anything that she’s in, so to see her as the villain in a movie like this was a kind of shock. But as far as that’s concerned, she was a lot of fun. Hell, her intro scene is having a dude send another dude through a meat grinder and makes a burger out of him and then makes the dude try a bite. It’s pretty fucked up, but I enjoyed how deliciously sinister she was (no pun, intended, but I’m taking credit for it anyway, so…. pun intended). And I think it’s hilarious that she kidnapped Elton John for her personal amusement, who is also really funny in the film. Kind of wished we saw more of her robotic creations doing shit, but the dogs were enough, I guess.

The comedy is still there, Egerton is charming as always, as are Firth and Strong. There is a sense of fun about the film, so it’s not boring, thank God. The action is awesome and delightfully violent, and pretty creative for the most part. I’ll never get tired of seeing Whiskey’s (Pedro Pascal) laser whip. Now Star Wars can’t put a monopoly on that idea.

But now for the negatives. Despite some solid talent, like Berry, Bridges, Tatum, they’re barely in the film, or barely contribute to the story, making you wonder why they were even in it at all. Which is pretty manipulative because a lot of the marketing surrounds these characters. I didn’t like how the movie kills off the entire Kingsman organization in its second movie. I mean, wouldn’t it be better to see Eggsy and his team take down a rival organization at their peak power to really showcase their tech, their intel, and their bad-assness? Why kill them off in the second film? I don’t get it. The subplot of Eggsy and his girlfriend Tilde (Hanna Alström) is a little annoying. He’s a spy, of course he’s going to be faced with situations of seduction. How would she not know that?

And fine, let’s talk about that controversial sex scene. Honestly, I thought because Poppy (Moore) created a female robot that does the Golden Circle tattoo thing, I figured that the sex scene would be about the robot fucking a dude or something weird like that. But nope, it’s about Eggsy fingering some blond girl who is the girlfriend to Poppy’s main henchman with a tracking device shaped like a condom that he’s supposed to shove up her vagina. Honestly, maybe I’m just a guy about it, but it took me a good minute to figure out at the end of the movie that this was the big ole controversy. I mean, it’s not overly graphic in the fingering, and technically does serve the plot of the story and carries dramatic weight, albeit in the subplot that I barely cared about. But the more I thought about it, yeah, this was unnecessary. A tiny tracking device can be placed anywhere and didn’t need to be implemented like this.

Overall, yeah, not quite as good as the first film, but it’s alright. If you’re a fan of the first one, I can’t imagine you feeling betrayed or not having fun with it. But I do recommend toning down your high expectations if you have them.

My honest rating for KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE: 3/5

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RINGS review

Really now? No, seriously, really now?

Ugh, okay, so as everyone knows, I’m no fan of horror films. Both of the original films are pretty forgettable other than how recycled Samara is when compared to the Grudge ghost. Oh, and they star Naomi Watts. Oh, and stop motion ghosts are creepy. Aside from that… yeah, just a generic horror film. Look, for you die-hard horror lovers, in all fairness, it’s been years since I revisited the films  and I didn’t have the same taste in horror films as I do now. If I watched them again, maybe I’d feel differently. But as it stands, all I’m seeing here is desperation to make a quick buck off a franchise that’s been closed off for over ten years using an obvious gimmick of multiple cursed people, as opposed to one at a time. Can you sense my frown?

Well, lets a look at this new generation cast. Starring is Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz, known for a bunch of stuff I’ve never heard of. This name, however, does spark a little interest: Vincent D’Onofrio, known for THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (2016), JURASSIC WORLD (2015), and TV show DAREDEVIL. I wish I was more of a fan of this man than I really am. I’ve only started getting into his talent since JURASSIC WORLD. Of course, I loved him in FULL METAL JACKET (1987), but I can’t name another movie that I’ve seen him in. That’s a… pretty sad statement to make actually… Anywho, other talents include Johnny Galecki (CBGB [2013], HANCOCK [2008], and TV show THE BIG BANG THEORY) and Aimee Teegarden (SCREAM 4 [2011], and TV shows THE RANCH and FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS).

Now for the crew. Directing is F. Javier Gutiérrez, who isn’t known for much other than a couple of short films, and one feature-length film in Spanish that I’ve never heard of, so, moving on. Uh oh, red flag alert, this film has three writers: Jacob Estes, Akiva Goldsman, and David Loucka. Estes is a relatively inexperienced writer, but Loucka is known for THE HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET (2012), and Goldsman is known for THE 5TH WAVE (2016), I AM LEGEND (2007), and both Schumacher Batman films. Not only does more than two writers on a single movie make me nervous in itself, but that each writer isn’t known for writing good scripts in the past, or not a lot of good ones, I’m already pegging this movie to be awful. Composing the music is Matthew Margeson, known for EDDIE THE EAGLE (2016), KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE (2015), and KICK-ASS 2 (2013). He’s also the screenwriter for the upcoming sequel KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE (2017). Finally, the cinematographer is Sharone Meir, known for MR. CHURCH (2016), WHIPLASH (2014), and COACH CARTER (2005).

Overall, yeah, not excited for this in any way. The best part of this film is that one prank that I saw online about a TV store set being constructed and an actor guides unsuspecting scare-targets through the area, while a woman dressed as Samara comes out of one of the TVs to scare them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcuRPzB4RNc

Oh well. This is my honest opinion of: RINGS

(SUMMARY)

Julia (Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz) and Holt (Alex Roe) are two young people in love. Holt goes off to college, but soon doesn’t return her calls. She decides to investigate when she has a chilling conversation with someone on Skype and discovers an experiment being conducted. Turns out that the college professor Gabriel (Johnny Galecki) has discovered the infamous VHS tape that kills its viewer after seven days, turned it into a computer video file, and has been using it as grounds for discovering proof of the afterlife. But things quickly get out of hand as a student of his is killed by Samara, the inhabitant of the tape. Soon, Julia finds Holt alive and the two begin a journey to uncover the remaining mysteries of Samara’s past and hope to put her to rest and stop her killings.

(REVIEW)

I would rather have watched the prank video for ninety minutes. By god, was this bad.

First off, this movie had a little potential. In the final shots of the trailer, you see the ring video being played on all of the airplane movie screens, giving the impression that a large group of people would be given that seven day countdown. Okay, that hasn’t been done before in these movies. There’s potential there. But what does this movie do? It holds a big ole middle finger right up to your face! That whole sequence was the opening scene! No survivors! Who thought that the most promising aspect of this movie should be a throwaway tease?! Screw you too, movie!

I guess technically the story does do the whole “multiple people saw the video,” but again, this is completely wasted. We only follow three protagonists, one of them is constantly away from the other two. They can’t even bounce back from the wasted potential the first go-round!

Maybe all that could be forgiven. All that would be needed to make up for this problem is to follow interesting and well-written protagonists. Surly modern day horror films are known for such effort, right? PFFFFT!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Of course not! That would imply that real effort would have been put into it, as well as an understanding of good characters! I haven’t the slightest idea who out of the three writers had the reigns, but that person needs to get slapped. Our protagonists, Julia and Holt, are about as bland and boring as horror movies can make ’em. At no point do you really care whether or not these characters die because the movie doesn’t give you any reasons other than the camera is pointing at them.

To make matters worse, certain elements of the movie are total knock-offs of other horror movies. For you fans of the first two films, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure the way Naomi Watts’ character beats Samara wasn’t to “pass it on”; to show someone else the tape and you’re scott-free. Pretty sure that’s not how it worked. Well, RINGS decides to steal a page out of IT FOLLOWS (2014) and make that a thing. Yes, I am dead serious. In order to save your ass from the evil force, you have to “pass it on.” Ho…ly… shit.

***SPOILERS***

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Oh my god, and if that wasn’t enough, it also rips off DON’T BREATHE (2016) toward the end. Yes, our female protagonist is in the personal home of a big scary blind man whom she is trying to avoid by not breathing… Why aren’t the makers of this movie getting sued out of their asses?!

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***END SPOILERS***

If the movie isn’t blatantly knocking off something else directly, it’s showing off it’s cliché knock-offs from horror movies dating back to whenever they became a thing. Characters seeing things that aren’t there, ninja vehicles that only make sound when bad writing allows them to, there’s a laundry list of uninspired moments, including making Galecki a SMART COLLEGE PROFESSOR!!! Gee! I wonder where I’ve heard that shit before! Even Galecki doesn’t seem to care about being in this movie!

***SPOILERS***

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I swear, the only time I truly believed his line reads is when he was about to be axed off. His character is about to reveal big information, but got into a car accident and is in his truck, dying. This is the only believable moment out of him because you’d swear he was grateful that he wasn’t going to be in the movie much longer.

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***END SPOILERS***

The more I thought about this movie, the more it started to piss me off. It’d be one thing if it was just trying to do its own thing and fail. That could be understood. Wouldn’t make it good, but at least you’d know it was trying something different. But it rips off movies that are leagues better than it and it’s like the writers knew that and prayed that the audience wouldn’t know it. Well, I saw it and I hope my review made you all see the hilariously insulting shit this thing did. Do not see this movie. I don’t care if you’re a fan of the franchise or not, but do your wallet, and more importantly, yourself, a favor: AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COST!!! Save your money, save your gas, save your time, just… just no.

My honest rating for RINGS: 1/5

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MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN review

Once upon a time, Tim Burton was master of the weird and brilliant. Maybe he hit a few snags here and there, like PLANET OF THE APES (2001), but ultimately, he was considered one of the most visionary filmmakers of our generation. At least, that’s what the general opinion was of the man. Wanna get the hate-mail ready? I’m actually not his biggest fan. Sure, I liked BATMAN (1989) like everyone else, but most of his other films were sort of forgettable, wasn’t interested in seeing, or I hadn’t heard of until much later. I don’t remember much of BATMAN RETURNS (1992), and I was horror movie-intolerant as a kid so I hated MARS ATTACK! (1996) and SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999). Okay, BIG FISH (2003) I remember being good, but I don’t remember details. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005), CORPSE BRIDE (2005), SWEENY TODD (2007), ALICE IN WONDERLAND (2010) not a fan of any of them. To be fair, though, I’ve never seen films like EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (1990), all of BEETLEJUICE (1988), ED WOOD (1994), or BIG EYES (2014). I see where his popularity comes from, but not so much in recent years.

But I have to honest, this movie looked like it’d be pretty awesome. The visuals looked astounding, it starred Eva Green and Samuel L. Jackson, I could tell I was going to have fun with this. This is the first time in years that I thought I was seeing the Burton that everyone else has been a fan of.

So let’s take a look at the cast. Green is something of a big crush of mine (she’s European, what do you want from me?!), my into her being, of course, 007’s CASINO ROYALE (2006). But I wouldn’t see her again until 2014’s SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR and 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE. I’ve seen a few episodes of the TV show PENNY DREADFUL… which I want to be watching, but movies and reviews take up my time. In short, I really like her and wish I saw more of her work. Co-starring is Asa Butterfield. Many may recognize him from such films as ENDER’S GAME (2014), THE BOY IN THE STRIPPED PAJAMAS (2008), and HUGO (2011). Finally, Judi Dench (the most recent 007 films, THE BEST EXOTIC MERIGOLD HOTEL [2011], and JANE EYRE [2011]), Allison Janney (TALLULAH [2016], JUNO [2007], and TV show MOM), and the always-amazing Jackson, who don’t need no monkey fightin’ introduction on this Monday to Friday review (yeah, I cable-TV’d the real line, get over it)!

Now for behind the scenes. I’ve already given my thoughts about Burton, but lets see who he’s working with. Penning the screenplay is Jane Goldman. She’s written KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE (2015), X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST (2014), and this took me by surprise, STARDUST (2007), one of my favorite fantasy films of all time. This round, we have two composers, Matthew Margeson and Michael Higham. Higham hasn’t composed much in his career, a few shorts and a couple unheard of titles, but Margeson is known for EDDIE THE EAGLE (2016), KINGSMAN (2015), and KICK-ASS 2 (2013). He will also be the composer for the upcoming film, RINGS (2017). Finally, the cinematographer is Bruno Delbonnel. He’s worked with Burton before on BIG EYES and DARK SHADOWS (2012), but his most famous movies are arguably AMÉLIE (2001) and HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE (2009).

I’m heading into this film with pretty big hype. I think it’s going to be good and this will put Burton back on the map as a visionary filmmaker. I’m too excited to contain this anymore, let’s get this ball rolling. This is my honest opinion of MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN.

(SUMMARY)

Jake Portman (Asa Butterfield) lives a pretty normal life, going to school, having a job as a teen, solid parents to raise him, and generally being a good kid. But despite having good, normal parents, Jake has one person in his life who turns it upside down: his grandfather Abe (Terence Stamp), who tells him fantastical stories about a home he frequented as a younger man, run by a mysterious woman named Miss Alma Peregrine, who protected “peculiar” children with extraordinary gifts. But… maybe to both of them, they weren’t just stories. But as Jake grew up, life convinced him that his grandfather was crazy and they grew apart. However, one tragic night after work, Jake gets a call from his grandfather and unfortunately arrives at his home too late, only to find him dead with his eyes missing. Months later, Jake is still struggling with Abe’s final words in finding Peregrine, who is supposed to tell him why everything happened. Although Jake’s dad Franklin (Chris O’Dowd) thinks it’s just a guy’s trip to get away from it all, he and Jake travel to Wales, hoping to visit this fabled home of Abe’s. Jake finds nothing at first, but upon his second visit, he comes across some pretty strange children who take him into what they call, a loop: a safe moment in time, a single day, that Peregrine uses to essentially time travel back to the beginning of that day. As a result, no “peculiar” ages, despite it nearly being eighty years in the future. Jake meets Peregrine (Eva Green), who introduces him to their wondrous world, full of impossible things, possibly finding romance, and discovering that he may be more special than he ever believed, and because of that, dark forces are searching for him and Peregrine’s kind and Jake must choose whether or not he wants to be a part of it and help, or return to his safe life.

(REVIEW)

What the hell happened?! No! This was supposed to be amazing! It looked so good! It had some great pieces in place, so what in the name of all that is holy and sacred went wrong?!

Ugh, alright before I start ranting about every misstep that was taken, let me just point out that the movie isn’t all bad. It’s definitely not good, but there are aspects that were great. First and foremost, this is definitely a different looking Burton film. His earlier work definitely had a surreal gothic look and feel to them before he discovered green screen backgrounds. This doesn’t look or feel particularly gothic, but there is a vintage quirkiness to it that feels fresh and is actually very appealing to marvel at. The sets look like real sets, as opposed to something that even Zack Snyder wouldn’t use so much of. There’s a tasteful, or understandable amount of CG that looks pretty solid for the world it created. For example, yeah, the hollowgasts are obviously CG, but it works in this kind of environment, so their fakeness doesn’t bother me. They still look creepy and do have a threatening, creepy design.

Green? I think this woman couldn’t even try to act badly. It would just come off as a comedy performance. She’s always great in everything that she does and this is no exception. She’s quirky, delightfully strange, which translates to humorously offbeat, I could watch Green star intently with wide eyes and an unnerving smile all day long and never get bored. Also… we men should just collectively turn in our balls because none of us would ever have the temerity to shush the living embodiment of bad-ass whose name we know as Samuel L. Jackson, and look damn intimidating while doing it. Even Jackson in the scene I’m referencing is all like, “Okay, I’m confused, am I the scary villain of the movie, or this crazy white bitch?”

Oh and she’s fully clothed this time!

The young actors are solid, even though the characters lack any likable distinguishing personalities. I mean, it can be argued that Jake is just an observer-type character, playing the role of the audience, guiding us and learning about this unseen world. Problem is, they give him a detailed backstory and attempt to make a connection with the audience. Trouble is, I can’t really tell you anything about him. Just sort of walks around, reacting to things, and doesn’t really partake in making his own decisions, contributing to the transpiring events until the final act of the story. Yet, Butterfield gets a kind of pass for hitting every emotion dead on. His character doesn’t have much to him, but he’s a fine enough actor to be watchable. This pretty much goes for the rest of the cast as well.

And I don’t know what it is, but that invisible kid really gets to me. I really feel like he’s not there. Um… wow, how do I make that sound more intelligent. I know he’s not there, but I still feel like he’s… there, in his… not-there…ness… Okay, you all should know what I’m trying to say!

But… lets get down to the ranting. First off, the movie’s first fifteen minutes is horribly drawn out and choppy. So you get your standard opening titles, Burton-like score while pictures of the Peculiar children fade in and out. Then we get a narration of Jake’s life, and as he is driven home to visit his grandfather, we get the backstory of his relationship with his grandfather… weird. Wanna know why I think it’s weird? Because in those flashbacks, we get bits of his grandfather showing Jake the photos of the children. Why not have the titles roll while Abe is telling young Jake his bedtime stories as the pictures fade in and out? Everything we need to know about their relationship more conveniently packaged in the first five minutes and more freedom to develop Jake or Abe as characters since most of the story hinges on Jake finding out if his beloved grandfather really was crazy.

Second, why are we chocking up Jake’s sadness as a mental instability? And by “we,” his parents. So after Abe dies, a few months go by and he’s been seeing Dr. Golan (Allison Janney), who never said that he suffered from a mental breakdown after his grandfather’s death. His visions, just a result a grief. Not insanity. But when Jake and his dad go to Wales for their trip, his dad pretty much labels his own son crazy. For no reason.

Third, on their way to Wales via boat, they see a bird flying overhead. It’s later revealed that the bird was Peregrine in her bird form. Questions: it’s revealed if any Peculiar leaves the time loop and into the main timeline for more than a few minutes, time would catch up to them. Well… why doesn’t this apply to Peregrine? How long was she following Jake on that boat? I don’t recall seeing that bird fly back to the loop. For that matter, when Jake finally meets the Peculiar children, how long were they out of the timeloop before encountering Jake themselves? Exactly how long is “a few minutes?” That’s starting to turn into a pretty subjective phrase. A few minutes could mean one million minutes and it’d still seem like chump-seconds comparing to the billions upon billions of years that the universe has been around, so how about narrowing down that deadline for those of us not in the know?

Fourth, why doesn’t Peregrine talk to Jake about why his grandfather was murdered? Don’t give me that lame answer, “I don’t like to talk about unpleasant things unless absolutely necessary,” crap. Lady, this kid LOST HIS BELOVED GRANDFATHER!!! He watched him die in his own damn arms in a brutally violent way! His family thinks he’s crazy. He feels guilty for no longer believing Abe’s bedtime stories. He’s seen and survived the very terrible monsters that you are protecting your children from without any foreknowledge on what to do if he encounters them. He’s come all this way to learn that his grandfather wasn’t crazy the whole time, turning every perception of what he knows to be reality completely upside down. Meanwhile, the same threats that killed his grandfather are probably hounding him for the same reasons they were hounding his grandfather for this long… and you seriously have the tits to deny him answers to his questions for reasons that are on par with, “I don’t feel good talking about it.” *insert shame-on-you stare here*

Fifth, what is your freakin’ deal, Enoch (Finlay MacMillian)?! No, seriously. What is your damn deal?! Why are you such an asshole?! Oh, not even to Jake, but to everyone. His hatred for all things not him is quite remarkable, and not in the good way. None of it is explained, or not very well. The first thing he does when he appears on screen is basically hate Jake and ignore the friends that are trying to be kind to him. No joke, I pegged him to be the cliché good guy-turned bad guy because of stupid misunderstandings. While the story doesn’t go in that direction with him, all he does throughout the story is bitch and moan. He’s basically the nega-Jake. Whereas Jake is a likable character, Enoch is completely unlikable. Supposedly, it’s because he tried to have a relationship with Emma (Ella Purnell), but then Abe came along in his youth and they probably had a relationship, which made Abe jealous and spiteful, doubling down on that when Abe left the home and Emma made a vow to never fall in love again. All of this is pure speculation, but there’s no win-win. If this isn’t the reason for his bitterness, then the movie doesn’t explain his attitude at all. If this is the explanation, then this is a damn stupid explanation. Get the hell over it, dude. So the cute blond girl didn’t want to hop into your pants. If you’d kindly look to your side, you’ll see an equally cute redhead who seems eager to hop in there.

Sixth, for that matter, why aren’t these kids mature? No, I’m not asking why they haven’t aged. I know that and that’s not the problem. This loop they’re in makes them stay in the same day and year. But that doesn’t apply to them themselves. They may not age, but their experiences carry over into the “new” day. This supposed relationship between Abe and Emma, that was nearly EIGHTY YEAR AGO!!! How does your butt hurt for that long? Why are the twins still playing with a teddy bear? One would think all these children would have the minds of adults by now. For that matter, because Emma is over eighty years old, aren’t we entering Twilight creepiness as she develops feelings for Jake? Just because she looks fifteen or sixteen years old, doesn’t mean she hasn’t matured to her real age.

Seventh, what’s the big deal with relationships in this house? Why does Peregrine insist on the whole, “no one’s getting married” thing. Did you see how she reacted when Horace (Hayden Keeler-Stone) projected that near-make out between Jake and Emma? Even at the time of the 40’s, she was a teenager, the height of sexual awakening. Seems to me that her time of finding boys with cooties has long since past. Someone wanna clue me in?

Oh my god, I’m getting depressed. Trust me, I have a whole lot more to rant about, but I’ll be here all month long if I try and I have other reviews to get to and I still haven’t seen all the new movies coming out this week. Overall, this movie isn’t really good, but I have a hard time saying that it’s not worth it. In a weird sort of way, I’m still recommending this movie ONLY for the visuals and acting. They are damn impressive and the acting ranges from serviceable to phenomenal. But don’t go in expecting a well put-together story because it’s hard to sit through. Despite it all, I will probably see this movie again, but I’m getting drunk off my ass.

My honest rating: a weak 3/5 – but still a recommendation.

miss-peregrines-home-movie

Upcoming reviews:

  • DEEPWATER HORIZON
    • trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-UPJyEHmM0
  • MASTERMINDS
    • trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIkzuXDhCcQ