MECHANIC RESURRECTION review

I can’t stand Jason Statham. There, I fucking said it. Why? Because once you’ve seen one of his movies, you’ve seen ’em all. They’re practically indistinguishable from one another. The best you can say is, “Oh yeah, that one had James Franco in it.” Or, “Oh yeah, that’s the one where he wears the suit.” Can you seriously tell me the difference between PARKER (2013) and BLITZ (2011)? The man’s films are repetitive. Hell, the best of his films aren’t even really his films. THE EXPENDABLES (2010) and SPY (2015) come to mind. In the past, it used to be if I saw his name headlined on a poster, I knew that was the movie I wasn’t going to see. Do I have anything against him personally? Er… well, not like he’s sodomized my family heritage or anything, but when you bash sci-fi, a genre that has pushed cinematic barriers, has evolved over the course of it’s inception into motion pictures, provided entertainment that has shaped childhoods over the course of several generations, that continue to influence many wonderful and new sci-fi stories every year, and you’re the one schmuck who never once branched out beyond the same god damned characters and movies since his inception into theatres, not even having been in the boundary-pushing action movies that come out, Statham can shut up.

Phew! Rant over.

To be fair though, I did want to see THE MECHANIC (2011) when it first came out. Oh, not because of him. Fuck that noise. I wanted to see it for Ben fucking Foster and Mini Anden, whom I’m probably one of very few people who would recognize her from the hit TV show CHUCK. But I never did see the movie and I can only assume that Foster either dies in the previous movie, or he simply didn’t return, which this sequel loses a fuck-ton of brownie points.

But how about the rest of the cast? Jessica Alba? She’s… meh. She’s never been in anything really good since SIN CITY (2005), and while both MACHETTE (2010) and A DAME TO KILL FOR (2014) may have been fun movies to see her in, she’s never done anything all that noteworthy that did her any favors. I’d believe you if you told me she’s a good actress, but… yeah, she’s never been able to showcase that. Tommy Lee Jones? Yeah, okay, I love Jones and he’s the only reason why I will see this.

Who’s directing this one? A German director named Dennis Gensel. If I’m not mistaken, this will mark his first (or first big-named) American film. Now here’s a huge concern for us all, this film had four writers attached: Tony Mosher, Rachel Long, Brian Pittman, and Phillip Shelby, who also came up with the story of the movie. This will mark Mosher’s feature-length debut having only two writing credits to his name. Long and Pittman previously co-wrote the poorly rated films DAWN PATROL (2014) and A HAUNTING AT SILVER FALLS (2013), so this will be their first big movie together, and those movies are all they’ve written in the past. Shelby is also new, having only written SURVIVOR (2015), which was not well received. As you can probably see, it’s not enough to have four writers on a script, but it really doesn’t help that each writer is extremely new and not of them had worked on the original flick. About the only interesting element to the movie is its composer, Mark Isham, who’s been the composing the music for the hit TV show ONCE UPON A TIME, as well as films like this years PAPA HEMINGWAY IN CUBA, 42 (2013), and the original MECHANIC (2011).

Overall, I’m having absolutely zero expectations over how good or bad this thing will be. I just want Jones to entertain me, bonus points if Alba isn’t a piece of ass in the movie. But on with the review, this is my honest opinion of MECHANIC: RESURRECTION.

(SUMMARY)

Bishop (Jason Statham) returns and was found to be not dead by a shady gentleman named Craine (Sam Hazeldine), a man that Bishop knew from his past. Craine wants Bishop’s skills to eliminate three men. However, he wants no part of his agenda and escapes to Thailand to lay low. There, he meets Gina (Jessica Alba), a woman that appears to be an abused girlfriend. But after saving her from a beating, it turns out that she was meant to get close to Bishop. But Gina isn’t a fighter meant to hurt him, but rather to find him because Craine has leverage against her. But they do discover that they have feelings for each other. But the romance is short-lived as Craine sends his men to capture them, succeeding. Using Gina against him, he forces Bishop to carry out his contract or Gina dies.

(REVIEW)

Called it! It’s just another dumb Statham flick! But I knew that, so I won’t dwell on it.

Alright, as I said, I didn’t much care to watch this for Statham. I was here for Jones, who… was criminally barely in the movie. He only shows up in the last forty-five minutes or so and probably has a grand total of fifteen minutes worth of screen time. It’s lame. Yes, he’s fun and funny, but… fuck, I thought he was going to be his old and sage-y sidekick, but no. He’s… just not. Freakin’ jip, man.

Alba fares the worst. She’s the definition of a tool: a hot piece of ass for the action hero to save. By god, the 80’s are over, guys. Aw hell, even the 80’s treated women better than this! Sarah Connor at least contributed to crafting grenades and delivered the final blow to kill the Terminator! Even Chuck Norris, fucking Chuck Norris, who is seventy-six years old (as of 8/28/2016), is looking at this cliché and saying, “Dude, this shit is is old.” I mean, seriously, what does Alba do in this picture? She throws two punches that amount to nothing. It’s a blatant attempt to try and make her seem like a strong and independent woman, but, assholes, if you’re going to make a strong and independent woman, THEN MAKE A STRONG AND INDEPENDENT WOMAN!!! Look at this year’s LEGEND OF TARZAN. Yeah, Margot Robbie gets kidnapped and has to be saved, but she’s actively looking for ways to escape and even succeeds once, aiding in the escape of someone else who comes back around with reinforcements. She’s not even just sitting there with the bad guy being a good girl, she’s constantly dishing out defiance. Alba… gives him a licence plate essentially, which is more the bad guys’ being fucking dumb-asses rather than her being clever, which amounts to a scene of her not getting rescued, and doesn’t even contribute to her own rescue in any real way. By God, Alba, fire your damn agent. You find work, but you find shitty work, hun. You deserve better than a Statham movie.

And did anyone else catch the unbelievable rip-off? Oh yeah, it’s like the writers knew they were writing a piece of shit, so they tried to cover it up by ripping off better action movies. This movie owes a huge apology to MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – GHOST PROTOCOL. Hell, they couldn’t even get the tension of the scene that they were ripping off right! It wasn’t suspenseful, it wasn’t gripping, painfully predictable due to it being the most advertised scene in the movie right down to the fucking poster…! *bashes my head on a wall* God, I hate this movie.

Yeah, I can’t write anymore about this. It’s Statham schlock. What can be said? If you’re a fan of this guy’s work, then I wager you’ll be fine. But if you’re anything like me and you want a little more creativity and awesome in your action films, then this one is a hard pass.

My honest rating of MECHANIC: RESURRECTION: 2/5